Comical yet Tragic Misunderstandings in LOK
by Olam
Summary: Sometimes LOK is so serious its funny, come see the misunderstandings!
1. Introduction and Vorador's Slaughter

Welcome to the Comical yet Tragic misunderstandings of Legacy of Kain.  
  
Each chapter is a misunderstanding that led to dire consequences, perhaps you may laugh as the reader, but please remember, you are laughing at another person's pain.  
  
And please remember, keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times...  
  
*Pulls lever*  
  
Each chapter I add will be another misunderstanding from LOK... at the moment these stories are all in the Blood Omen 1 and Soul Reaver 1 time period.  
  
The first of these stories is below... Vorador's Slaughter of the circle of nine. We all thought he murdered them, but if you read in between the lines... you shall see what really transpired.  
  
(These stories are not property of Legacy of Kain and are made up entirely by me... all characters in these stories are property of LOK.)  
  
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"Alive for ages, I am Vorador... the mighty... the proud... no one can stop me I am th-"  
  
Vorador paused momentarily thinking of inspiration on what to write next... he made that cruel smile, the one that inspired fear into the hearts of man and wrote the next letters.  
  
"I am the demise of everyone, everything I am-"  
  
The pen stopped once more as Vorador looked for further inspiration... what was he? He'd been alive for well over 400 years... lets face it he wasn't winning any beauty competitions and if he had a sell by date... well lets just day the sticker probably wouldn't have existed yet... Vorador pondered this.  
  
He said aloud to himself "Yes I am a vampire, yes I am one of the most feared and powerful beings... I have my own mansion... I own a swamp... errr."  
  
Vorador began to write once more.  
  
"I am a wealthy mansion owner, I own part of a swamp and at my whim I can make glasses levitate... at my whim."  
  
Vorador chuckled to himself, he'd never had so much fun writing in an article to a kid's magazine before, he needed a new image, he needed to be hip, "cool"... why? He didn't know, he just had to do it... for he was Vorador... owner of a sword that looked vaguely like the Soul Reaver.  
  
Vorador cast his mind back to when he was a lad, back in the days where men drawn carts were the "thing" and when William the Just's grandparents were still considering whether or not to have children who would then give birth to a man who would start a war made faction that would eventually attempt to take over the entire world.  
  
Vorador thought deeply... "What was hip though, where did I and the lads 'jive'? AHA!"  
  
Vorador smiled once more, jumping out of his chair.. he fell over, and as expected had great difficulty getting up.  
  
"NO! Adversity will not slow me!" Vorador rose once more, triumphant over the chair which once held him, walking out of the door and coming across a save point conveniently placed in his own home he saved... not knowing what adversity would await him at the Cathederal he saved a second time... only to find, he'd run out of memory.  
  
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Vorador changed into a bat, but realised he'd not gone on that 'red triangle that looks at the place you have to go so you can fly there yet' , cursing he took the next wagon he could... his slaves and vampires couldn't care less, they were just there to attack Kain when he'd come around 500 years later, they may as well be on their coffee breaks.  
  
Vorador sat on the wagon, quite content with the view of villagers, walking up and down in straight lines without cares in the world...  
  
A time later the wagon hit a rock and placed itself right between a house that just so marginally stopped the path, meaning if someone wanted to pass through they'd have to go through an entire sewer network fighting off hordes of monsters that would have undoubtly be summoned....  
  
"Yes, sweet Avernus" Vorador proclaimed "Theres never been a town with so much delight." Vorador walked the rest of the way, passing various passers by who refused to talk to him, but were not in the least scared of him.  
  
Vorador wondered why no one was talking to him...  
  
"Ohhh" he chuckled "How could I forget THAT..."  
  
Vorador changed into the form of a peasant right in front of the townspeople, walking directly into one of them he initiated conversation, the villager engaged in a heated conversation about how there were sprites and pixies in a local pond... Vorador was shocked, however at the same time he knew, that with this kind of 'dirty talk' he'd be the hip 'masta' in no time.  
  
Knocking on the door of the outrageously oversized from one angle but downsized from another angled cathedral... he heard a bang, then shouts... it sounded like monks...  
  
"Oh God, why are you reading that for?! You've just gone and burnt the ruddy Font" he heard one monk shout  
  
"Well I'm sorry, I do get awfully carried away, how was I supposed to know that by reading these books I'd make an arm of fire which would inevitably burn the font down?"  
  
Said the other  
  
"Did you hear someone knocking?" said the original  
  
"Must be those bloody peasants again, disease this and help me that, we're only here to make Kain slightly miffed when he comes through 'ere... we're not meant to help people."  
  
said the clumsy monk  
  
"Oh gawd, why'd we agree in the first place? Fame and fortune they promised us... only fortune I've had is this book... and that burnt my toast this morning..." said the other monk  
  
"Its terrible... absolutely ruddy terrible, its so ruddy annoying, the next peasant that walks through that door I'm gonna give a damn good kicking."  
  
said the slightly angry monk.  
  
Vorador decided that perhaps bothering the "holy" ones was not a good idea...  
  
"Where else can I go... why am I alone in my quest to be the Hip 'masta'... oh who am I kidding... i just want to be loved!"  
  
Defeat seemed at hand for the lovea- I mean hated vampire... was no one willing to give Vorador the ultimate hip-ness?  
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
Vorador took the next logical course of action... he flew to the one place that no one would ever expect him to go... the personal luxury suite of the mighty and stick wielding Malek... leader of the Sarafan. The mighty Sarafan had killed a few of Vorador's annoying uncles and auntie's who sent him jumpers every Christmas... for this he was grateful. Seeing as Vorador HAD looked at the strange triangle thing that lets you fly to that place triangle, he turned into a bat and somehow flew in a circle till he hit the wall of Malek's Bastion.  
  
Walking slowly through the corridors, Vorador looked over his shoulder.... he was sure someone, or something was watching him, he was right! A small ant, was watching his every move.  
  
"A spy!" he exclaimed "a spy trying to ruin my moment of triumph! A slave to those who dare to oppose me and my cat like features!"  
  
He attempted to squash the ant but failed, the ant was too fast... the ant ran towards a formidable looking door, with Vorador in close pursuit.  
  
Noticing the ant crawl through a crack in the door he burst into the room, sword in hand.  
  
"Haaaaaaa!" cried Vorador as he entered the room...  
  
"Oh GOD!" a bald lady exclaimed at he entered...  
  
Voradaor noticed, that he had stabbed a man accidentally, in his hurry to defeat the ant he had killed a man, how horrible he felt... would the legions of 'hip' ever accept him? Would he forever be some old man that had green skin and a fake sword?  
  
As Vorador moved to catch the man he had just accidentally stabbed brutally, a burst of energy surged from his fingers... Vorador stood aghast, what had he done?!  
  
"Ohhhh... figs!" he said with revelation...  
  
He'd activated an energy bank before he'd entered the Bastion, to give him the energy he needed to 'groove', but he'd forgotten, he had an allergy to energy bank... it caused him to fire strange blue balls out of his hands that threw people to the floor.  
  
"Ok ok" said Vorador to himself "So I've killed two of them, both accidental perhaps the other two'll understand."  
  
Attempting to initiate the conversation with the bald headed lady he said  
  
"I'm aw-"  
  
"MAAALLEEEEEKKKKKKKK!" she interrupted.  
  
"I didn't-"  
  
"MAAAAALLLEEEEEEKKKK!" she interrupted again.  
  
"Now look here can you please-"  
  
"MAAALLLEEEEEKKKKKKK!" she interrupted, now Vorador was slightly annoyed.  
  
"LOOK YOU STUPID... well whatever you are hip 'masta' I didn't mean to kill the guy at the door and I have this awful allergy to energy bank that causes me to-"  
  
"MAAAALLLEEEEEE-" the lady was interrupted as Vorador accidentally threw a flay at her, he was aiming for the ant he had caught sight of behind her...  
  
"Damn my cursed aim!" Vorador exclaimed to himself "Godammit!"  
  
He caught sight of an old man edging towards the door...  
  
"Aha! He'll be my friend" Vorador said happily, moving through the spectral realm to greet his new friend.  
  
Vorador came out behind the old man, and must've shocked him, as the old man started emitting some green sparks in Vorador's general direction...  
  
"Err... hi I'm Vora-"  
  
"MMMAAALLLEEEEKKK!" Vorador was interrupted again by the old man  
  
"What IS it with you people?!" Vorador exclaimed...  
  
Feeling slightly hungry Vorador decided to have a quick swig of blood from a cup he was carrying, but oh so narrowly missed his mouth and poured it on the old man...  
  
"Oh sorry I'll get that off" Vorador said in a friendly manner.  
  
Sucking too hard just slightly he took the blood off the old man's tunic... unfortunately he'd also taken blood under the man's tunic too... the old man fell to the floor, with an unhappy Vorador standing over him.  
  
"Well... seems I'm the only 'hip' one left..." Vorador said to himself as he went into the spectral realm once more to look at the hippy glowing colours. When he heard footsteps, a grand knight burst into the room, but his large spear had got stuck inside the door and he got thrown back... Vorador went out to greet the knight... and lets just say it got worse from there.  
  
So there you have it, what REALLY happened... Vorador was OUR buddy and we betrayed him... for shame my friends... for shame. 


	2. Moebius:Forever young

This story is of Kain 'confronted' Moebius. but alas Kain's intention was not to kill him. read on for the truth.  
  
Kain was slightly distraught after his little run in with William the Just. Having gone back in time to make things better, he'd made things slightly worse. When Kain had met the great king and they began talking about how the Soul Reaver and the sword William had were similar, a knight of the king's burst in and began attacking Kain.  
  
Kain, not being one to want to die too easily, was forced to kill the knight, to this William took great offence.  
  
"Excuse me chap, but you have just killed one of my knights." the king had said  
  
"Well he was trying to kill me." Kain had replied  
  
"But look at his armour compared to yours... his is shiny, yours is... well the less said the better." the king had said scornfully.  
  
"Well you try washing stains off something like this" Kain had said, getting angry.  
  
"I have, many times... besides look at that knight's face compared to yours. He damn good looking and you're just some mook who forgot to brush his teeth." the king was slightly enraged at the thought of replacing a knight so handsome.  
  
"HEY! Now thats not fair... I use colgate every morning!" Kain had replied  
  
"Hah colgate hahahahahha, we have Sensodyne! HAHAHA!" William continued to mock Kain in his outrageously girlish voice that sounded very similar to that of a peasant Kain had spoken with in Willendorf.  
  
"Where where?! Please may I see it? Oh I must view this artifact!" Kain had been jumping up and down like a child.  
  
"Sorry fanged buddy, but the holiness that removes sensitive teeth may only be viewed by the one who holds... .... ..." William paused, thinking of such a prized possession that Kain just simply would not have. "AHA! The one who holds the finest cheese of Dark Eden, haha no one dares venture to that place, for there are no newspaper boys shouting 'COME GET YOUR PAPERS' there.... who would dare live there?"  
  
Kain had been shocked, he KNEW he needed that cheese... luckily, there was a piece that just happened to be in front of him, Kain picked this up and gave it to William the Just who prompty ate it.  
  
"Well, can I see the almighty toothpaste now?" Kain had said.  
  
"You haven't give me any cheese yet" Will said again.  
  
"I just did! That cheese!" Kain had said again, pointing to the direct area in which the cheese would be flowing in Will's body.  
  
"What cheese? I didn't see any cheese." William, had simply forgotten what cheese was, and had assumed Kain had given him an energy tablet of pure joy.  
  
"Look I'll show you." Kain took out his soul reaver, sliced up William the Just, and put the now dismembered piece of cheese in front of the king's eye.  
  
It took a few seconds, for Kain to realise... ... that the cheese was off.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kain screamed as he realised the one cheese he had owned was off... then Kain realised he'd just killed the king who could have saved peace... Kain prompty wet himself.  
  
As the knights had rushed in, and Kain had cowered away... Will's lifeless body was taken to a nearby puppet shop, and Sooty was formed!  
  
Kain however, had not been so lucky. Instead of becoming a world famous puppet who could retire at the tender age of 67, he had started a massive vampire purge that had killed nearly every vampire apart from him.  
  
As Kain moved back into his own time, he was sure that the Time streaming device had a purpose after all... it was an exceptional backscratcher... and one Kain had regarded as overly holy.  
  
Kain, whilst scratching his back continued to walk out of the palace.  
  
He caught sight of peasants, one fat wielding a flaming torch, the other a Guy with a rake.  
  
Kain had gone to hug them, he longed for some comfort for all the trouble he had experienced... however the affection they gave him was not his idea of fun.  
  
The guy with the flaming torch swung at Kain who took a step backwards... then the guy with the rake swung madly, killing his friend. Kain then went to give first aid to the flaming torch man, but the guy with the rake was persistant, and continued to narrowly miss Kain.  
  
Kain, bent down to get out his bandages, and the guy with the rake swung in a full 360 degree circle which ultimately ended in his arm being torn off.... the guy fell over backwards for no reason at all and began to shout.  
  
"Brothers... BROTHERS! THE VAMPIRE HAS DISABLED ME!!! IT IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!" after this the guy continued to wriggle on the floor, before getting out his copy of "Dennis the Menace" and chuckling at the spiffy jokes.  
  
Before, the flaming torch peasants and the rake guys had just thought Kain was slightly ill, now they knew he was an agent of the devil! They summoned forth all their courage, which ended up in them vacating the building in terror.  
  
Kain was upset by such a reception... wanting love and kisses, he found only along slimey things on the floor and explosive walking skeletons.  
  
As Kain left the castle and heaed down the forest in search of inspiration for his new book  
  
'What not to do when going back in time'  
  
He heard the words of his old friend and mentor Moebius!  
  
"Now you make think I'm just an old man... but YOU SEE THIS?!" Moebius said whilst pointing to his forehead "THIS! Is a sticker! These magical stickers will be created by moi soon... no normal old man could make that could they?!"  
  
"WWIIIIITTTCCCCCHHHHH!!!!!" one of the villagers cried out.  
  
"Ah come on, if I was a witch I wouldn't have such a cockney accent would I?! I'm a Londener mate." Moebius replied.  
  
The villager stod humiliated as his friends poked him for being so stupid. Little did the villagers know, that Moebius had manipulated them.  
  
Kain then realised that Moebius was not his friend or mentor, and that Vorador, the catlike guy who gave him a drink once, was having his head chopped off.  
  
Kain walked towards the podium, expecting a good show. Apparently Vorador had forgotten to pay his bills for the last 2 weeks and did not have a license to own a sword or keep a bunch of brides in a mansion he didn't own.... the only punishment for these acts was death... at the hand of an old guy who went forwards and backwards and time, and an angry mob.  
  
The game entered an FMV sequence.  
  
The guillotine came down, but Vorador had taken a coffee break and thus the camera focused on the peasants insted of the guillotine. As the director waved his arms wildly at Vorador, Vorador took the hint and ran up to the guillotine... however Vorador couldn't stop in time and landed in the audience of peasants... which was what the cameras happened to be looking at.  
  
The exceutioner quickly covered up  
  
"We are free of the unholy scourge... this podium is no longer full!"  
  
"Not yet mooks, the main character of the game still needs to kill us! He is there!" Moebius said, he finger wobbled slightly and ended up pointing at a bewildered peasant instead.  
  
The peasant was quickly eviscerated by his loving family and his head paraded about.  
  
After the show, Kain went up on top of the podium to ask Moebius a question... he wanted to know whether Moebius was older than Vorador, and if so, whether he had one of those old grandfather hats.  
  
As Kain initated conversation with Moebius, Moebius entered a deep trance... (Which was really just a daydream.) He fell off the podium.  
  
Moebius, not wanting to look stupid, accused Kain of witchcraft and devilry.  
  
"My friends! See the way he pushed me without using his hands!" Moebius stood up once more... deeply terrified.  
  
"Nah old man, none of us was looking mate... we was too busy looking at the floor cause McBrown dropped a penny and we was hoping to steal it." the peasant rambled on a little more.  
  
"Look! The game says you have to fight him... Now if you'd like to take this up with the director..." Moebius said... the director leaning towards the peasant... a large letter opener in hand.  
  
Kain directed his question to the exceutioner instead, who told him of how Gypsies were cursed and brought evil magic to the world, however this was not the answer Kain wanted.  
  
The peasants, now stripped of their free will went to attack Kain. However there hd been a large group of 30-40 in the FMV, now there was but 6 peasants. Kain simply put a disguise on in front of them, and they asked him whether they could borrow his money. Kain dismissed them with strange words that made no sense such as.  
  
"My foot is on fire."  
  
and  
  
"The arm of a lion is but the eye of the hippo."  
  
The peasants, confused by these words, decided that perhaps they had taken the wrong careers, and as such all became workers at the great Library of Willendorf... one such author was  
  
"Huthbert the timid" who wrote the book "When bad things get worse."  
  
Anyway Kain continued to walk on, he caught sight of Moebius tripping over by a gate, seeing that he could not turn into a bat and run away, Kain deduced that he would have to engage in heated conversation with Moebius... Kain came amply prepared, hot water bottle in hand.  
  
Moebius sat upon a slighty raised stage and said.  
  
"Behold the monsters of the past."  
  
Two knights came forth, both realising they were in the wrong timeframe, they veered backwards and started playing a nice game of Snap, that ended in Soldier 056 being the victor.  
  
Kain started to ask his question.  
  
"Excuse me Moebius, do you have an old man hat I ca-" Kain stopped as Moebius teleported to the next gate.  
  
As Kain walked steadily past, Moebius said once more.  
  
"Behold the greivances of the present!"  
  
A peasant jumped out, making strange monkey noises and Egyptian hand signals the peasant started crafting great works of art on the wall.... he shook hands with Kain and commended him on his choice of haircut. The peasant would one day become Kain's trusted friend Billy, who features in none of the games but is the true hero.  
  
Kain had realised Moebius wanted to go slightly slower with Kain, as Moebius fired a blue projectile that slowed Kain down.. "Perhaps" Kain thought "I am rushing things... no relationships work when they're rushed."  
  
As Kain moved incredibly slowly towards the next gate... Moebius prepared his final surprise.  
  
"BEHOLD THE!" Moebius stopped as he caught sight of the actor jumping out from behind the stage, his costume of Kain wasn't quite right as his face was peeling off and his boots didn't fit, plus the axe he was wielding was incredibly weak and far too heavy. "Go away! I haven't said my bit yet!"  
  
The actor dressed poorly, hung his head in shame and went behind the stage once more.  
  
"BEHOLD THE FUTURE!!!"... the actor failed to come out...  
  
"THE FUTURE!!!" Moebius said again.  
  
The actor had given up... and walked off to live a life of shame. Moebius stood without defence.  
  
So naturally, Moebius jumped down from the stage that was tiny and that Kain couldn't climb up OR swing his sword up. Moebius then entered his tried and tested method of fighting, by throwing time slowing projectiles at Kain, that caused no damage, he was sure he would win.  
  
Kain, who was not aware that he had been fighting. Prepared to ask Moebius his question.  
  
"So, can I borrow that old man hat a second?!" Kain blurted out.  
  
Moebius, who was devoutly absorbed in throwing more projectiles, ignored Kain.  
  
Kain decided to use something he had not used often, initiative. He took the hat and Moebius fell to the floor.  
  
"My source of power.... the time... of ages... exists in that hat... use it well Kain... for it shall save you..." Moebius struggled to say.  
  
Kain immediatly gave the hat to Billy, who gave the hat to the actor, who gave the hat to a Gypsy, who gave the hat to one of those explosive teddy bears, who gave it to a mugger who fell over and left the hat on a spike headed dog in Dark Eden. That dog was christened... Lassie, guardian of all that was sacred.  
  
Moebius, then said for no reason.  
  
"I have seen the future Kain... the future's bright... the future's-" Moebius stopped as Kain interrupted.  
  
"Orange?" Kain said.  
  
"I was going to say a faint yellowly colour that mirrors a blue hue of yellow that would go nicely in a bathroom, orange is just too far." Moebius snapped at Kain.  
  
"Well... I'm no bathroom maker." Kain snapped back.  
  
"Indeed Kain.... I have seen the future of bathroom making... you are not in it!" Moebius said again.  
  
Billy called to Kain, and as Kain turned around the actor came back, took Moebius's head to use as a cup, and left an 'I.O.U one head of Moebius'.  
  
Kain turned back and saw the note... saw the body... saw the hourglass... and rested his eyes on Moebiuses' sweet sweet cloak... it was so damn bright and nice looking, Kain couldn't wait to put that on his dog... it'd look so good on it, he was sure to win dog competitions forever!  
  
Kain gathered all these objects, giving his farewells to Billy, he headed back to the pillars after Mortanius had said.  
  
"Hi, got a little propostion for you.... I'll kill the rest of the guardians.. if you kill the sucker of a monster whose living inside me."  
  
Kain typically ignored Mortanius as always, and decided to fly to the pillars in order to pester Ariel as to why she hadn't tried to defend herself.  
  
As Kain flew, Moebius's voice echoed in the wind... his voice would forever say.  
  
"I'll see you in the sequel Kain.... theee sseeqqquuueeellllsssssssss..."  
  
The voice was eventually silenced when someone found the mute button on their remote control.  
  
And thus the journey for ultimate inner enlightenment, continued. 


	3. Kains trip to Dark Eden: A picnic too fa...

Ok time for the next one... I call this one  
  
"Kain's visit to Dark Eden : The ultimate misunderstanding"  
  
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INTRODUCTION (The hardly funny at all bit)  
  
Kain had one of those months... the kind of month when you know things are gonna get worse.  
  
Kain had been a great Nobleman; he treated peasants badly, sucked up to kings and didn't give much of a damn about anyone. After going to a bar in Ziegstuhl to get away from the plague, (well that's what someone else said, I think he just wanted to see his future crypt) he settled on a nice table and began to write on the table, having misplaced his diary.  
  
"Mortainius is ga-"  
  
The bartender caught him  
  
"OI YOU! YOU RUB THAT OFF OR YOU GET OUT!"  
  
Kain had severe problems with rubbing marks off tables, he'd had a childhood traumatised by tables, they were always in his way when he needed to go somewhere... the only way he could get over them is by going the long route which normally contained some sort of power up and a load of monsters.  
  
Kain left, into the cold cold night... when he'd noticed the exits had been boarded up by wooden planks he could easily climb over... the door behind him had also mysteriously locked for no apparent reason and at the speed of light.  
  
"Must be a village thing" he said and took a few steps forward.  
  
Kain walked on ignorant of the fact there was 4 men in brightly lit orange costumes wielding knives who shouted incredibly loudly.  
  
"THERE HE IS!... KILL HIM!"  
  
"Must be a village thing" Kain said again... by now they were following him... Kain turned around and saw, that they were walking in a straight line towards him...  
  
"Aha, attack AI... they're trying to kill me!!!" Kain shrieked...  
  
He drew his sword and swung once at one of the Orange guys... however Kain had forgotten, he could only swing once because he was a pathetic weakling...  
  
"Oh figs!" he thought, "Why am I such a fool, why if I had some sort of flame sword I'd survive this!"  
  
After killing two of them, Kain breathed a sigh of relief.. only to notice 4 more appear from nowhere... after walking up to the clearly climbable gate Kain stopped...  
  
"It would not be proper for me to simply escape... yes they want me dead for a reason." Kain said  
  
He turned to his attackers and said "Good men I would like to ask you a qu- " he got hit two times and died... poor ol' Kainy.  
  
Then to take the ice off the well placed biscuit, some mook walked up to Kain, who was in explicit need of medial help, and gave him a friendly stab.  
  
Well that was the start of Kain's problems... he'd only gone to escape the plague! If only he hadn't written rude messages on tables.. let that be a warning to you children, its fun... till someone goes out and gets murdered.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
The approach to Dark Eden (the almost boring bit)  
  
So yeah Kain became a vampire and was killing guardians... however that is not today's story.. that is a story for another time.  
  
Kain was whistling as he walked down a path... gently walking over rocks... until he got to two BIG rocks... and that's when things went bad.  
  
"WHAT THE?!" he said in disgust "Boulders that are conveniently placed in front of me, and being a vampire that I should be able to easily throw away?! Good GOD... what do I DO?!"  
  
After looking for a way around, because lets face it.. 9 out of 10 times you just go around and BOOM you find something that lets you get there, Kain decided to go back to the Vorador's house for no apparent reason.  
  
Finding those orange throwey monsters a little too tough, our brave Vampire decided to waddle around in the marsh... realising that burning was never a good sign he quickly ran to the nearest cave he could.  
  
"The blood of ages is so sweet, come vampire drink fr- what are you doing?!" The blood fountain had noticed Kain committing his dark deeds once more... he was carving  
  
"Vorador 4 Malek" into the fountains edge...  
  
"Look vampire, it seems you don't learn your lesson, will you pay some damn respect for us blood giving folk and-" The fountain was interrupted as Kain found the little kid with a squeaky voice hiding behind a curtain with a microphone...  
  
The kid sighed as he said "Just take the damn blood, and get out... I'm gonna be the laughing stock of the Library when I go home... I'll never get to read "How the Pillars of Balance are just made of polystyrene".  
  
Kain took heed of the boy's words... after stealing the curtain and using it as a turban, he drank some blood and ran out giggling like a schoolgirl.  
  
Kain kinda guessed he could move the huge boulders now and returned to them.. after pushing them away he carried on.. until he noticed the floor was different.  
  
He gazed upwards and saw a spindly man standing there with his fingers up his nose and his leg in the air.  
  
"Excuse me sir.. I'd like to ask you something." Kain said inquisitively  
  
The man turned in a menacing way and slowly walked forwards.  
  
"Sir, I'd like an answer please, I appear to be a little bit lost... see I was looking for a place named Dark Eden and I seem to have ended up in some sort of deranged type of heavenly garden....now if you co- WHOA" Kain was interrupted as the man fired a red line at Kain.  
  
Kain stunned for a second stood there... the man fell over and began firing rapidly..., Kain simply gave him a gentle nudge and he went rolling down the hill.  
  
"What an odd man... wonder if he's a twisted creature brought about by a strange energy field emanating from Dark Eden over there." Kain said to himself after walking on.  
  
Kain's motives for going to Dark Eden were simple... he wanted GOOD cheese. Not grotty cheese from a lake somewhere, not that vile stuff that Nupraptor had stashed behind his skull... NOT that bloody tasteless stuff that Malek had inside his helmet.... Dark Eden was famed cheese country... no cheese better than Dark Eden.  
  
Kain wished to dine with the owners of Dark Eden in an attempt to learn they're secrets and become a cheese bigwig, he carried on, he could not fail... his dairy producing future depended on it.  
  
Coming across more huge boulders that he could have climbed over he paused... seeing two dangerous looking creatures on the other side he raced to meet them.  
  
"Yes!" Kain said "They look like cheese barons, horrendously overweight... and magnificently stupid."  
  
Kain ran up to one and eagerly said  
  
"I am Kain! I require cheese from the great Dark Eden, I will pay in... excuse me." Kain was annoyed, the two fatsos were ignoring him...  
  
Kain tapped one on the shoulder, and met a disgusting reply... the fatso's stench was quite large, bested only by Kain's foul stench... but as if that wasn't enough the monster, now known as Flabmeister Fullerene, decided to spit at our hero.  
  
"Now come on! That is rather rude, would you really behave like this at home?" Kain was now being blasted by blobs of poisonous flab.  
  
Kain had noticed, that for no apparent reason his blood was now turning green... still Kain decided that this rudeness must stop and whacked the Flabmeister... finding that his sword was stuck Kain did the next most noble thing and walked at a fast pace away.  
  
"Heh, they're probably too fat to follow me hahahaha" Said Kain, over confident as ever...  
  
The Flabmeister had been outrun many times, it had ways of dealing with tresspassers and most of them included some form of spitting. It put itself on the nearest tray with wheels and wheeled up to Kain.  
  
Kain came to another set of boulders and skillfully pushed them into position  
  
"If they do follow me they'll never get past here hehehe..."  
  
Kain turned around and saw another 3 flabmeisters and two red throwing stick guys, Kain tripped over part of the flab and was spit on several times... then the rollerblading Flabmeister came rolling by and by some miracle pushed everyone out the way. Kain rose, praying that Flabmeisters couldn't turn around... he carried on walking at a fast pace.  
  
Kain had noticed lava appearing and after burning inside it several times, he had decided to go into the relatively unguarded and unhidden tower... sure the dogs with spikes on their heads were trying to stop him.. but they couldn't exactly see with facial features like that could they? Kain slipped past undetected by the dog with saws implanted into their heads.  
  
"At last the cheese factory, it is here I will gain the secrets and return balance to the market." Kain said, knowing he was right.  
  
After walking around loads of doors and solving loads of puzzles that someone had put to bug him, the final door opened... Kain tried to save but he left his memory card at his friend's house and therefore decided not to... but harbouring regrets that would tear him up in the future.  
  
Kain walked through the door, he caught site of his old buddy Malek, who'd got the wrong of the stick when Kain had said  
  
"Can I have a look at your helmet please?"  
  
He saw a lady who had some flashy dress cape thing that probably cost her two quid from Oxfam and a man who seemed to have kept the theme of Christmas alive and was wearing Antlers. There was another man who appeared to be made of cheese, however when he realised that Kain had a sword and he didn't he made a quick exit... well actually he just sat in a cave for a long time getting shouted at by government officials that he was making the place look untidy.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
The confrontation (Its kinda funny)  
  
"AHHH CHEESE BARONS!" Kain said delighted "MY FRIENDS! I come bearing gifts..." Kain presented the ring Vorador had given him.  
  
Out jumped Vorador, who was engaged in dinner making arrangements before he had been summoned... he was just cutting some carrots before he knew it, he was standing next to Malek and making dents in his armour.  
  
"Oh, sorry old chap didn't mean to cut your armour like that" said an apologetic Vorador  
  
"Gordon Bennet, do you know how much it cost to keep this armour this shiny? I had to polish it myself this morning... now no ones going to take me to the Knight's ball.. thanks a ruddy lot you silly old man." Replied a disgruntled Malek  
  
"Well I am sorry, its just hard to get a decent dinner around the place, what with my vampire's always mistaking me for Kain and attacking me... its just so da-... wait aren't you that hip God I killed all those years ago?" Vorador was excited now.  
  
"Nah that'd be Malekk, I'm his slightly less understandable yet equally loveable grandaughter Malek." replied... well whoever he/she is  
  
"In that case, I shall have to kill you." Said Vorador. "One too many times have I written into one of your 'Grandparent to grandaughter schemes' which are said to bring grandparents and grandaughters closer, do you know the times I've followed your advice and asked my grandfather what he was day was like?!"  
  
"This act of bonding is... unconscionable" replied a startled Malek."  
  
"Conscience? What right have you to talk to me of conscience? Only the when the fate of the world rests on your every move can you talk about Conscience, can you even imagine what you would do in my position?" Said Vorador, in a firm but motherly tone.  
  
"I would choose integrity Kain." Said Malek  
  
Kain looked up, it was almost like they were telling his future... he decided to lighten the mood with a little joke  
  
"Well I don't know about you and integrity Malek, because you're in pieces HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA." Kain roared whilst everyone stared at him urging him to shut up.  
  
After Vorador and Malek had realised they had infringed on the next game in the series and had quoted quite a prominent part of the next game they decided to stick to the script.  
  
Malek held the piece of paper named 'Script' closer to his/her helmet.  
  
"I will feed... your head and your... gizzards? To... your wives?"  
  
Kain, Dejoule and Bane all glanced up bursting in laughter at the fact that Vorador could actually pull a girl leave alone marry her.  
  
Vorador, not fully understanding what was so funny continued to read from the script  
  
"Bow before... the ... I mean your master, oh it says here I have to smack you with my sword now... I don't think I quite got this right in rehearsals..."  
  
"Don't worry about it, the viewers only see you turn into a wolf and kill me anyway, although I can't see how that happens since someone can smash me apart with a sword and I fall to pieces but come back, how come a little wolf jumping on top of me destroy me? Do I just wander away from the armour or-" Said Malek before the Flabmeister on roller skates came ramming through the wall, knocked Malek through the hole and into the lava below.  
  
Dejoule and Bane ran into a door that no one had seen yet, Kain stood still hoping someone would come with a piece of cheese for him... Bane came back out, beckoned to Kain to follow him... and after a brief period of Bane shouting  
  
"HEY YA MOOK, GET OVER HERE!" several times Kain wandered to the door.  
  
Kain opened the door with his sword and saw a bag of flour fall down from the top of the door, Kain had began to wonder whether these people were behaving a little off with him...  
  
Dejoule nodded at Bane who nodded at Dejoule, who waved at Vorador as he walked through the door to pick up his earwax medicine he left there.  
  
Bane immediately launched into his preferred fighting style of placing water randomly around and praying for the best... he failed to realise that people could walk AROUND the water... his old master, a plumber, had forgotten to tell him that water wasn't actually all that painful and most people could survive it.  
  
Nevertheless Bane continued to throw himself around the arena planting bits of water, till he slipped on a water patch and fell unconscious... his head in some water, Dejoule rushed over to help him, but drowned in the watery gap between the land not being a good swimmer.  
  
Kain walked over to Bane's now lifeless body and pinched his antlers.  
  
"There'll never be a dull Christmas again" and put them on, half hoping for his nose to light up and half expecting the antlers to contain a huge stash of drugs... ... he was right on both accounts.  
  
He then approached Dejoule's floating body and took off her £2 energy suit bought from Oxfam... now he'd have something to wear at parties, instead of that stupid Chaos armour that kept killing his friends whenever they patted him on the back. Kain, being an ignorant man failed to realise that the room was actually made of cheese, and that cheese was literally living in the room... he walked out and found Malek's helmet on the banister.  
  
Catching sight of Malek smoking a cigarette of the banister he decided it was probably better he just walked past.  
  
However Kain's new cape and Antlers had caused him to be a lot more visible. Malek, who was poor of sight due to his/her oversized helmet had no way of telling that it was Kain and not Bane or Dejoule and tried to wink, thinking it was Dejoule. Malek also had no way of telling that Kain was now wearing his Helmet... Kain was very happy, a new Helmet he could wear in lessons so the teacher couldn't tell he was asleep... a new suit that he could show off to all the girls and a pair of Antlers he could use to scare Santa away... life was good.  
  
Kain stumbled to a door that had miraculously opened and walked out... falling on top of a save point he slept... in his dreams he pondered whether or not grey hair was hereditary. 


	4. Melchiah the giant we hardly knew ye

Ok time for a next one, does anyone read these? Makes me think I'm wasting my time but nevermind...  
  
I call this one  
  
"Melchiah the giant we hardly knew ye"  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Raziel was a bit of a violent bloke, being the first born of that crazy old man Kain... he'd almost gone slightly crazy after being murdered by his loveable father and being turned into a sort of spectral demon soul taking 'whoops I forgot to eat breakfast today' thing. His glowing eyes beckoned to opticians everywhere, each one wanted to sell him glasses... it was what he expected from life.  
  
Anyway so Raziel had been told by the one eyed octopus man to go kill his brother and scratch Kain till he could stand being scratched no more... Raziel accepted his mission, because quite frankly, if he didn't it'd be quite a boring game.  
  
But Raziel loved his brothers, and thought he could talk them round into giving them him their souls without a big fight or a big mess... Raziel passed through the Melchiah 'transport thingy' and opened the door to his 'kingdom'  
  
Now in the past, Raziel had quite liked zombies, they were quite funny to watch cause they fell over a lot and didn't complain once... but these zombies weren't funny at all... they were vampires, but they were zombies... whats the deal?!  
  
So Raziel decided to have peaceful talks with Melchiah's kids, in an effort to understand why they decided to infringe upon so many cliches.  
  
Raziel approached a lone fledgling and tapped him on the shoulder... the poor guy's shoulder fell off and then that bit of cloth that covers their errrm.. private bits.. did the same.  
  
Raziel was stunned...  
  
"THESE SCUTTLING BEATS CAN'T BE KIN OF OUR HIGH BLOOD!"  
  
Then Raziel remembered... they STOLE blood, not gave it out... nevertheless, Raziel was determined to be a good uncle.  
  
"Hey junior! How ya doin?"  
  
The vampire, stunned that Raziel could speak without being in a FMV sequence replied.  
  
"I'm alright thanks, had a bit of trouble this morning when some punk came in and stuck me up... just because I'm little and outrageously weak."  
  
Raziel, bored by the ravings of his nephew, decided to kill him. He found the nearest available rock, tied it to the young vampire's feet and put him the nearest swimming pool (which happened to be the vortex)  
  
Raziel continued being equally made bored by his other nephews, some were quite tall compared to Raziel, but his love for them was equal to that of their brothers...  
  
Raziel kept walking along, till he came to a solitary Vampire hunter, who bowed before his feet. Raziels alarm bells were ringing, no one liked him... it must be a trick! Raziel carried the man and dumped him next to two vampires...  
  
As he assumed, everyone hated him more... the vampires drew in on Raziel and the hunter, who was quite annoyed at being carried like a baby, was firing arrows near Raziel. Raziel fled... there were no sticks or anything, how was he supposed to kill the vampires without a stick?! He ran towards a lever, pulled it and jumped to the platform that opened.  
  
So Raziel kinda continued... killing annoying nephews here, butchering his friends there... picking up sticks here... then realising that he couldn't take them with him in the hippy land, I mean specteral realm.  
  
Once in the spectral realm, Raziel saw a vampire "wraith" and was very scared... they had glowing eyes too, opticians liked them as much as Raziel! This was incredibly scary for Raziel. The wraith kinda landed in front of Raziel and poked him... then began drawing a blue line out of Raziel, which tickled Raziel slightly.  
  
Raziel was going to laugh, but realised his life was being drained out of him and he was becoming increasingly deader... he slapped the Wraith... the wraith began to cry.  
  
Then the wraith's mother came out and Raziel got into an argument.  
  
"HE'S JUST A KID YOU STUPID FOOL!" said the mother  
  
"He was drawing life out of me, he was trying to kill me!" said Raziel  
  
"BILLY? Is this true?!" Said the mother to her child.  
  
"Well I don't know errr... I might've tried to kill him... but I mean you can never be sure these days what with all the fun and excitement of-" the boy was interrupted as he and his mother were killed by Raziel and made into ghosts of ghosts..  
  
Raziel, lifting his cape which was probably very dirty and most likely hadn't been washed for a long time, absorbed the mother and her child... Raziel experienced heartburn shortly after.  
  
Well Raziel kept on going, pushing blocks there, burning wood for no reason here, making the ceiling fall down and crush all the poor little bugs there, and generally causing a big fuss for no reason.  
  
Till Raziel got to a room where the air was red that is...  
  
"Has the world fallen so much as to allow McDonalds to spread to every corner of the world?!" said Raziel in a scared tone "With my absence, was Ronald allowed access to the entire dimension selling his fat high products at incredibly high prices?"  
  
Raziel burst into the room, looking around for a little while, he got out his deckchair, put on his shades and had a little nap.  
  
Only to be awoken, by someone else having a sleep. Raziel awoke in rage and shouted  
  
"Will you be quiet?!" Raziel however had failed to realise that the person sleeping before him, was actually one of his beloved brothers... so he carried on shouting for a little while.  
  
The beast eventually said "Sooo err... I'm actually Melchiah... your err.. Loveable brother..."  
  
"You said you were Kain a second ago!" Said Raziel  
  
"Well I do get mixed up... I mean can't you see the size of my foot? Do you know how much of my brain had to go before I could have a foot like that?" Said Melchiah  
  
"Anyway, back to script" said Raziel. "Show yourself monste... well you're in front of me whats the point of that line?" The lights instantly turned off... many have said this was done on purpose... others argue it was actually a power failure.  
  
"Am I so changed Raziel?" said Melchiah  
  
"Nah I just can't see you" replied Raziel  
  
The director emerged and gave Raziel a hard, but friendly slap... Raziel decided to stick to the story.  
  
"I mean errr... yes monster... you have changed so... much.. I do not recognise you... err... yes... you are a monster... you err.. erm... err.. fiend, err.. well whatever you are." said Raziel, under the directors influence  
  
"I am still your loveable brother, just I ate one too many McDonalds... and they were offfffff so now I turn into beast... with horns on back for no apparent reason and large feet, and a face that says 'Kiss me I'm Irish' to everyone who observes it." Said Melchiah  
  
"Just shut up and stand under the grinder already... I mean... tell me where Kain is so I can crush you under doors first." replied Raziel.  
  
"The master comes when he sees fit, NOT when commanded" Melchiah said back to Raziel.  
  
"So one his sons being brutally killed isn't a good enough reason to appear? You haven't seen many good fathers have you brother?" Replied Raziel  
  
Raziel, realising that he was being rather mean apoligised and tried to make Melchiah give him his soul.  
  
"Hey Melchiah, we were always 'buds' right? We played basketball together, saw films together... I even bought you a watch once... now coommmeee on give me your soul..."  
  
"Well I don't know.. will I get it back?" Melchiah was considering a peaceful way out of this.  
  
"NO! I mean err.. yes... you just gotta believe..." Raziel said thinking up a catchy rap to make.  
  
Melchiah had decided that quite frankly, he was tired of fighting... he decided to get some exercise before giving his soul away and ran up and down in his chamber, passing through the walls of the cage he jumped up and down and smiled at his beloved brother...  
  
Raziel got a record player and put on the 'Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I loovvee you' tune...  
  
However what Melchiah and Raziel had forgotten, that the kitchens were still at work in Ol' Mcdonalds above, this was the grinding plant, and the kitchens needed some fresh meet... not knowing their vampric no.1 customer would be under the grinder, they pulled the lever and down it came.  
  
Raziel saw the grinder coming down and tried to warn Melchiah, Melchiah tried to phase out of the cage but his horns were too big to fit... he was just ramming against it and screaming...  
  
"Jump jump brother!" Raziel said  
  
Melchiah kind of hopped a bit and landed upside down... seeing that he was gonna die he decided to give Raziel one last slightly helpful clue.  
  
"Brother, we're all Sarafan warriors and Kain turned us from the light, Kain is currently in the Pillars of Nosgoth and you can get to him using the 'Phase through barriers' ability you will take from my soul to get there... by the way, when do you get the Soul Reaver which lets face it you will, your life will depend on the fact that you don't-" Melchiah was interrupted as he got grinded and his multicoloured soul was taken out of his 'lardlad' body.  
  
Raziel shrugged and said "Ah I've still got more brothers" preparing to walk out the door, he was ambushed by Melchiah's soul which held him up and started whacking him.  
  
Raziel then heard the one eyed octopus's words.  
  
"Melchiah's multicoloured soul has given you the ability to walk through doors that you could smash open anyway... please remember, do not get stuck inside doors whilst phasing through them like Melchiah did... and stay away from grinders... thank you."  
  
Raziel stood up, brushed himself off and ran backwards towards the grinder, not fully understanding, why grinders were dangerous... there he slept, but realising he couldn't shut his eyes due to the absence of eyelids, he started crying. No one knows why he cried, but in this reporters view, he was one misunderstood 'dude' I thank you. 


	5. When Raziel met Kain PART I

One of the most dramatic parts of Soul Reaver I. "Oh no!" I hear you say "That cannot be a misunderstanding as well?!  
  
This story is entitled  
  
"When father met son PART I"  
  
And is the time when Raziel and Kain met at the Pillars of Nosgoth...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------  
  
Raziel was having one of those dreams, the kind of dreams where the music is romantic and bounding, the sun is just rising and the scene is set in a glorious field.... he was running up to Kain with open arms and Kain was running up to him with open arms...  
  
"LLAAAAAAAAA" screamed the chorus in the dream... and time froze for a split second as Raziel smiled.  
  
As Raziel's arms reached Kain in the dream.... a Dumah vampire put a piece of paper saying  
  
"KICK ME" on Raziels back.  
  
Raziel felt the soft touch of the vampire, and sat bolt upright... waking up.  
  
The vampire jumped back in shock.... for one of two reasons..  
  
Raziel wasn't his best friend...  
  
Raziel had a soul devouring antic and an ugly UGLY wart on his chin.  
  
The Dumah vampire was about to run away when it realised it'd respawn eventually anyway... it simply stood there, a stupid confounded look on its face.  
  
Raziel, who was wondering why he'd fallen asleep in the first place, opened a bucket of hot lead on the vampire....  
  
Unfortunately... the bucket... was past its sell by date... and the vampire suffered from severe food poisoning.  
  
After Raziel sorted this lil incident out (By brutally whacking the vampire, throwing him onto a bonfire and stealing his soul.) he decided to consult the Elder for some free, yet tiresome advice.  
  
Raziel had just witnessed the death of his beloved little (yet big) brother Melchiah... although slightly confused to Melchiah's suicidal attitude, Raziel asked the mighty squid what he was to do next.  
  
"The Pillars of Nosgoth..." the elder started "Are a merry place to be... with drink, drugs... and rock an' roooolll!!!!"  
  
At that moment a chorus of strange men in suits with pianos burst into the Elder's chamber... the Elder placed a bowler hat on his head and started singing.  
  
"And that's the way uh-huh uh-huh I like it!... THATS THE WAY UH-HUH UH-HUH- " the elder was interrupted after one of the piano players shouted.  
  
"WATCH OUT... THOSE DANCERS ARE PACKING HEAT!"  
  
The female robotic dancers burst into the room through the walls... refusing to use doors. They carried AK-47 machine guns and gung-ho attitudes.  
  
After blasting the room up and generally making a scene, they asked Raziel how he was still alive, and what he wanted.  
  
To which Raziel replied.  
  
"I''''mmmm allliivvveee willl allllwwaayyysss looovveee yoooouuu too bbeee loooovvveeeddd willl allllwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayssss looovvveeee yoooou."  
  
Naturally by this time, everyone had guessed Raziel was going to sing, and had started a incredibly heated... and high waged game of checkers.  
  
The bets had gone up to $500... and Raziel... was going for $501 on black. Since there was no black, Raziel decided to go for green.  
  
Green lost... in the worst manner possible (Didn't even make the first move before the dancer keeled over with toothache) Raziel found himself with debts he just COULD NOT afford.  
  
At that moment... the Elder God began to speak again.  
  
"As I was saying..." The elder paused momentarily as the dancers filed out of the room, and the paramedics filed in, to aid the piano players. "The Pillars of Nosgoth are awfully nice in spring."  
  
"With the sun... the trees" replied Raziel.  
  
"The calming sea breeze..." said the Elder once again in a poetic voice.  
  
"And then I go and spoil it all by murdering my first born aaannnndd kill his family." they said in unison.  
  
"Anyway yeah that place, go there and you'll find the place is UP FOR SALE... DING DING DING... but unfortunately we got a lil bit of a squatter problem, some old guy there keeps saying its his... need you to steal his soul." The elder said.  
  
"How much?" Raziel replied in a gangster type voice.  
  
"50" The elder replied, a cigar protruding from its mouth.  
  
"50 what?!... Last time you paid me in small newts.." Raziel said slightly annoyed.  
  
"50k" The elder replied, equally calmly.  
  
"I don't need k's... more of a p man myself." Raziel responded.  
  
"No its da lingo man.... k is one thousand dude.. DDUUUDDDEE." The elder said in a vain effort to be 'cool'.  
  
"So you'll give me 50 000 nothing, for stealing some squatters soul?" Raziel said, whilst the crowd looked on in suspense at another, more interesting TV show.  
  
"Deal!" Replied the elder.  
  
"No no, I'm the one whose accepting or declining here, you offered me 50k did you not?" Raziel replied.  
  
"NO! I said 60!" The elder boomed.  
  
"55!" Raziel said  
  
"122!" Elder said back  
  
At this point the dancers returned, unaware the scene had not finished and it was not their turn to come back.  
  
Once the Elder and Raziel had settled on an agreement of the Elder supplying Raziel with a new kitten every month... Raziel set about his job.  
  
Raziel prepared himself... he had a bucket of gravy and a very old, stupid looking small table... which he claimed contained the soul of Elvis.  
  
Raziel lost these artefacts shortly after the authorities realised it was all a front for illegal weapons trafficking... the table was actually a high tech rail gun that could shoot through walls with Thermal imaging... this was to become a film starring Arnold Schwaznegger called 'Eraser'.  
  
So Raziel got to the Pillars... asking various vampires for directions he arrived at the great Sanctuary of the Clans...  
  
His official fan club had been based here... he was anxious to see how their T-Shirt business had fared during his absence.  
  
Raziel tried to open the doors to the Sanctuary... but ohhh noo... he can push solid blocks of metal... push solid blocks of stones.. but open a rusty door, just NOT happening bub...  
  
Raziel was informed later that opening the door would have ruined the story... since asking where Kain was after fighting him, was a slight contradiction...  
  
Raziel was deeply disturbed when he realised he did not actually know what they meant, he was still struggling with the word 'door' in the phrase.  
  
After a countless number of times forcing Raziel to read the dictionary and generally spelling it out to him... the writers gave up and told him to Phase through the impassable barrier that blocked one insurmountable path... Raziel understood perfectly, however this word door still disturbed him.  
  
Would this door come back to haunt him in later life?  
  
Anyhow, Raziel used Melchiah's soul to trade in a local betting shop, after putting 50 (soul bits that is) on  
  
'Racing like a pro'  
  
He returned to the pillars... with a bill for 100 (soul bits that is) in hand... he... had bet on the wrong horse... ... ... ... 5 times.  
  
So Raziel attempted to phase through the barrier to the LEFT of the door... this made only problems, as Raziel rammed into the barrier he cursed violently... and thus the swear word censor was created!  
  
After much shouting and general tantrum throwing, Raziel turned to the spectral realm and gave the Slaugh's in the area a damn good smacking.  
  
Ok ok, I tell a lie... Raziel got a good smack from the Slaughs and ran desperately into the barrier.  
  
Raziel, found himself levitating through the barrier with green bits flying around him.  
  
"Whoa I'm either drunk... or SOMEONE slipped a lil something hot into my coffee.." Raziel said to himself.  
  
It then dawned on Raziel... he couldn't drink coffee, as it would dissolve his physical manifestation... Raziel wondered what effect 7up would have on him.  
  
After a number of gates to phase through, and nephew beatings, Raziel got to a room with a BIG door.  
  
After numerous attempts to phase through this door, Raziel realised it was already opened... with this act Raziel received many MANY boos from the crowd, many a tomato was thrown... casualties were high on both sides... but eventually the crowd's lust for blood died... and they went onto pummel Government officials instead.  
  
Raziel took a step through the threshold and saw the glorious pillars...  
  
The pillars, reflected the mental state of their guardians... and therefore were on fire  
  
Raziel noticed this and sang the song  
  
"SOUL ON FIIIRRREEEE.....!!!!" Raziel did a little dance as he sang in the disco way... for no reason a disco ball appeared and everyone partied.  
  
After the director shot all the guests, the scene resumed to normal.  
  
The area was as the elder and Raziel had poetically rhymed... the sun shining... the old man hippy dude laughing... and generally a jivin' scene.  
  
Then Raziel made a startling discovery.... his beloved pet dog was GONE!  
  
"My dog... wiped from this land like excrement from a boot... I knew the hand that wrought this deed..." Raziel said, whilst shaking his fist at a giant hand that was dispensing wedgies and slaps to various people.  
  
It also occurred to Raziel that the old crazy squatter was actually Kain... his father... and murderer.  
  
However that WASN'T quite the case... Kain you see had murdered no one.  
  
Raziel had grown wings.... surpassing his father... which frankly made him look like a boffin.  
  
And there was only one act for boffins... eternal damnation.  
  
So honestly, Raziel HADN'T been murdered, more eternally damned.  
  
Kain did not carry out the deeds anyway... Raziel would realise that Kain had done nothing wrong, but Ronald.... had become jealous..  
  
Jealous of the fact that Raziel could now deliver goods by airmail, and he was still using small and easily vandalised vans...  
  
Ronald had put a sign labelled  
  
"Kain"  
  
On his forehead... and gave his employees similar signs that had the labels of all of the other brothers on it.  
  
Raziel, not being known was his awareness... was casually looking off the end of the Abyss one fateful day.. when Ronald gave him a helpful nudge.  
  
The last thing Raziel saw before he entered the burning embrace of the pure water... was a sign labelled  
  
"Kian"  
  
Raziel assumed this to mean Kain, despite the poor spelling.  
  
"Raziel" Kain said... gradually getting up from his throne.  
  
"Kain!" Raziel replied.  
  
"The abyss has been unkind" replied Kain, noticing Raziel's wart.  
  
"Yes, it was mean.. it called me podgy and stole my flab... then it took my eyes out" Raziel stopped as he saw the director urging him to read the script instead of describing personal experiences.  
  
"I am your creation Kain" Raziel said  
  
"Actually, I bought you from Argos... it was a great-" Kain stopped as the director shot a bullet in the floor in front of him.  
  
"Now... as before... you criticise your own work." Raziel replied, twiddling his thumbs whilst saying his lines.  
  
"But I-" Kain stopped as he got thrown back by a bullet.  
  
"What have you done with my dog degenerate?!" Raziel replied.  
  
"What I have stuck in a cage and fed bones to for 5 hours... I can also destroy child." replied Kain  
  
"Damn you Kain! You are not Allah! This act of animal cruelty is unconsciable...!" Raziel said.  
  
"Conscience...you dare to speak to me to of conscience?!" Kain said  
  
"Well yeah otherwise I wouldn't have-" Raziel stopped as the director threw the gun at him.  
  
"Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice..." Kain showed the gravity he had by jumping and being pulled back to the ground instantly "can you dare question my judgement!"  
  
"Your lifespan..." continued Kain "Is but a flicker-"  
  
"Would that be a big kinda flicker.. or one of those flickers that blind you when you're driving you know the kind in bridges." said Raziel  
  
"Err... the first one." replied Kain.  
  
"But a flicker... compared to the mass of doubt and regret I have born since Mortanius first turned me from the light." said Kain  
  
At that moment Mortanius materialised... not one to like people talking behind his back.  
  
"DID YOU SAY SOMETHING 'BOUT MY TONGUE MATE?" Screamed Mortanius  
  
"Nah we were talking about ANOTHER Mortanius :wink wink:" replied Kain  
  
"Thats ok then.. just I have had it up to here!" Mortanius made a short hand movement that reached Raziel's foot "With wandering hillbill.. I mean people who keep badmouthing my whole turning Kain into a vampire and killing us all antics!"  
  
With this the Necromancer tried to vanish... the smoke didn't come... and Mortanius was hoisted out of the room with a rope for all to see.  
  
"Back to the script... To know the fate of the world depends on the devisidness... devi... the cleverness! of my EVERY deed?!" with this Kain scratched his head... this caused an Earthquake in Tokyo.  
  
"Can you even BEGIN to conceive what action you would take in my postion?!" Kain shouted.  
  
"I would choose integrity Kain..." replied Raziel, wondering what the HELL 'choose' meant.  
  
"Look around you Raziel" said Kain, failing to realise Raziel had a cape obstructing his eyes. "See what has become of our empire... witness the end of an age, the clans scattered to the edge of Nosgoth... this place has outlasted its usefulness... as have you." Kain lost his balance slightly here and fell over... revealing his sword.  
  
Raziel pointed out to himself "The Soul Reaver, a bendy sword that doesn't look too dangerous... the legends claimed the sword was made of Pleistocene... and thrived by sticking to people's hair. For all our bravada we knew what it meant when Kain drew the Soul Reaver in anger... ... ... it meant he was angry."  
  
After this... Kain put the Soul Reaver in 'torch' mode... he wished to produce blue light effects to make the scene look better.  
  
Unfortunately, Raziel, had assumed Kain was attempting to steal electricity illegally!  
  
Raziel rushed over to his father and tapped him with his claw... Kain fell back in agony.  
  
Kain then teleported elsewhere in the room... despite being able to teleport to the 2nd floor and shoot at Raziel from there.  
  
After two more slappings... Kain's face was quite scratched.  
  
Kain, who thought Raziel wanted some stolen electricity... zapped Raziel up which made him fly with pain.  
  
Raziel... felt the power... he also felt ants.. ants in his pants! He fell the floor in agony... agony from the evil ants.  
  
Kain, exhausted from teleporting... failed to hold the sword... it smashed on Raziel's head.  
  
The sword melded around Raziel head, and melted away with a random, yet well placed explosion.  
  
"The blade is vanquished... and so it unfolds." Said Kain, pointing to a piece of paper in the distance unfolding after someone had folded it in half. "And we are a step closer... to our destines."  
  
Raziel was puzzled... did this mean Kain's destiny involved multiple sword droppings? Nevertheless... Raziel listened to Kain's musical laughter.  
  
"I was sure I saw a blinding glint of satisfaction in Kain's eye when the Soul Reaver got stuck in my hair... I did not know the game he was playing" Raziel tripped over the Ludo board on the floor. "But I knew the finishing move."  
  
Raziel was lying... he didn't know the finishing move... he didn't even know who he was... nevermind what Ludo was... OR how to win it.  
  
The elder took this opportunity to steal the show  
  
"From this moment and a few hours after, you and this blade are inexplicably bound... unless one of you is caught in a dangerous or perverted situation... Soul Reaver and Reaver of souls... your destinies are intertwined... like piano wire that kinda bends over another... yeah like that..."  
  
Raziel pondered how and why the sword had the same title as him, despite not actually being alive...  
  
He ALSO noticed he now had a blue flashy glowing thing on his arm.  
  
"DUDE!" said Raziel as he took a step back.  
  
The blade was filled with wraith energy... and Raziel was sure to find... ways of making it utterly useless... Raziel knew... that with this blade, he'd get free meals everywhere.  
  
Raziel turned from the pillars, his new toy starting to bug him as he couldn't see due to its flashy blueness... before Ariel decided entered the scene.  
  
As Ariel and Raziel mucked up their lines and ended up becoming strange strange STRANGE newlyweds... the director threw his arms up in despair.  
  
His arms hit his head on the way down... the director... was never the same again. 


	6. Zephon: The real spider behind the mask

Zephon was often underestimated. When Raziel came back, the last thing in his mind was to kill Zephon. alas another misunderstanding presents itself.  
  
I call this one "Zephon: The real spider behind the mask" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------  
  
Raziel was very distraught... after watching his youngest brother's death at the hand of Ronald... and after getting the ultimate spanking by his dad, Raziel was in a bad sort of mood.  
  
After being told by Ariel AND the Elder God that there was some sort of INFESTATION... in the CATHERDERAL... where the GATE which you can PASS THROUGH is... Raziel decided he should probably take a look at the Cathedral near the gate you can pass through.  
  
Raziel had also found out, that is was Zephon in there... it took a lot of work but eventually Raziel finally understood what the Elder God had been telling him...  
  
"ZEPHON... is IN.. the CATHEDERAL"  
  
Raziel struggled with the whole IN part... I mean how could he trust something, which had a blue tornado in the middle of it? That's right he couldn't... but he did (eventually.)  
  
Raziel thought back to the days when he had been Kain's favourite... back in the good ol' days when Raziel still had his skin and crows didn't start biting rocks.  
  
Zephon had always been the most... disturbed... of the brothers... he'd never been quite the same as everyone else.  
  
Zephon had always been the brother who dipped into the dark arts of make up and ear styling... he had over 700 earrings and the girliest voice around. Kain had failed to notice that Zephon also had a huge fetish for Spiders and ate at least 5 billion a day... consequently Zephon had grown wings long before Raziel as he had consumed so many flies. Just Zephon did a damn good job of hiding it...  
  
Of course all the others brothers knew he had wings... and tentacles... and a head that could split into three... and a fake nose... and X-ray glasses. Just when they grassed on him to Kain, Kain didn't believe them... cause each time Zephon put on SO much make up before hand, no one could tell who he was... (Raziel remembered hitting on Zephon once after a BIG mix up with makeup... that had been one of the most traumatic events of Raziel's life.)  
  
Well Raziel wanted to know Zephon's secrets so he could dress up as Ariel to get that two faced effect. Raziel however knew, that Zephon was a tad bit unsociable and therefore phoned him in advance.  
  
The phone in Zephon's cathedral rang... the phone, being part of Zephon was picked up quite quickly.  
  
Raziel: Hey brother how ya been?  
  
Zephon: Well I turned into a giant spider God thing, and I control this Cathedral... what you been up to?  
  
Raziel: Avenging my death... accidentally killing all my brothers ya know the usual.  
  
Zephon: Say you wanna come round?  
  
Raziel: Well I am a bit busy... but I think I could swing by.  
  
Zephon: Oh do you have the Soul Reaver yet?  
  
Raziel: Yeah stole that off Kain ages ago  
  
Zephon: Ok seeya in a few minutes then.  
  
Raziel: Yeah seeya.  
  
Raziel put the phone down... passed through the door that lead to the Cathedral and walked up to the monumental building. Raziel eagerly ran up to it, he desperately wanted to meet his brother; he had a lot of catching up to.  
  
Bumping into a door that had the Soul Reaver marks on it and a Soul Reaver shaped hole in the middle of it, Raziel decided to throw rocks at the door. It didn't work Raziel hurled himself against the door... ramming against it, kicking it.. even getting his jaw out at it...  
  
"Oh hehehehe" Raziel said with a light bulb appearing over his already beaming face... Raziel went into the specteral realm and rammed himself into the door once more.  
  
"Zephon had always been mean, is it possible that he also was in league with McDonalds? No! Zephon would never betray us! I must succeed FOR KAIN.. I mean err.. for the ELDER!"  
  
Raziel changed back into the Material realm after glancing at the "Walkthrough" he had... he pressed the square button.. only to find.. his controller... was broken.  
  
After buying a new control and cursing wildly at Sony for making such a bad control in the first place (Yeah you guessed it I'm a Nintendo fan.) he finally put his hand in the door. Realising it was the wrong hand, he put the hand with the soul reaver into the door instead.  
  
The door slid open, but Raziel's hand was trapped... he got flung against the side, his hand still trapped into the door, his life slowly going down and down... till he faded into the specteral realm and broke free of the doors evil grip.  
  
After the minor door problem Raziel burst into the door, stood on the strange blue thing that somehow lets you go back to the Material Realm and saw a spider.  
  
Raziel did the best thing he could to deal with the situation; he jumped on top of a small stool and shrieked as loud as he could. The spider glanced at Raziel and walked off...  
  
Raziel gave a sigh of relief and walked forward... BOOM a 6-foot vampire that was basically a spider burst into Raziel and knocked him to the floor.  
  
Raziel got up and started shouting at the vampire.  
  
"You fool, you knocked me over... what do you think you are a jungle creature or something?"  
  
"Well I am part of a ra-" tried to reply the Vampire  
  
"The speed you were going anyone would think you were an evolved vampire of the Zephoniam clan who evolved into insect like spider creatures... which of course is a totally laughable idea."  
  
The vampire told Raziel his life story which consisted of one sentence.  
  
"I am a spider vampire in the Zephoniam clan, spare me a dime guv'nor."  
  
Raziel, sickened by the sight of the poor wallpaper job in the Cathedral replied with rage.  
  
"What manner of interior designer are you that you cannot make your own bad TV show that people only watch to have a damn good laugh at you failing?!" Raziel took a step back, actually quite scared by the spider-like vampire interior designer bloke.  
  
But then Raziel remembered... he was the one holding all the cards.  
  
The lighting went down to a gambling mood, a cigarette appeared in both the vampire and Raziel's mouth, as well as an American accent in the Vampire's voice and a blackjack table falling from the sky.  
  
"Hit me" Raziel said  
  
The Vampire paused a second, trying to remember what Blackjack was... he was about to kick the table over and start a drunken bar fight when he realised Raziel was referring to the cards.  
  
"17" the vampire said  
  
"Hit me" Raziel called out again.  
  
The vampire paused once more... wondering whether Raziel could do with a friendly slap. He'd rather not with Raziel being immortal and immensely powerful.  
  
"21" the vampire said  
  
"Hit me" Raziel said calmly  
  
"But sir!" the vampire exclaimed  
  
"I SAID HIT ME DAMMIT!" Raziel now getting up.  
  
The vampire, realising that perhaps Raziel wasn't talking about cards anymore-slapped Raziel.  
  
Raziel, realising that this was no longer about cards tried to shake hands with the vampire, but the vampire who was determined to make Raziel happy continued to pummel him.  
  
Raziel, now seeing there was no reasoning tried to use the soul reaver, but his spiral energy was not at full and the damn reaver had run off... he tried to claw the Vampire's eyes out but didn't want to get his claws dirty... Raziel just tapped the vampire in a vain effort to make him stop... the vampire, now extremely worn out... collapsed.  
  
Raziel accidentally tripped over the vampire, his claws landed straight through the vampire's heart... killing him.  
  
Raziel felt terrible... he'd killed another of his nephews, he was a terrible uncle. As he devoured the child's soul he wondered why the souls all looked and tasted radioactive, Raziel now thinking his new diet was potentially life threatening carried on without a care in the world... except that of make up.  
  
Raziel knew this place had been a massive human weapon against Kain's empire...  
  
"A weapon of brass and stone" said Raziel to himself. "Zephon's really done well for himself." However Raziel could not picture the place as a weapon... did it grow legs and run after annoying chimney sweeping children who claimed they knew where the Nobles stashed the drugs? Or did it fall on its side and roll after potential targets?  
  
Then Raziel knew... it sat there until Vampires infested it because it was totally defenceless... how stupid Raziel had been, thinking that the Cathedral could be USEFUL.  
  
After exploring the massive building, stirring up trouble by smacking bells and giggling at the loud noises, and smashing open windows with the sheer sound of it Raziel came across a serious block puzzle.  
  
Raziel scratched his noggin and tried to wonder how he pushing a bunch of blocks into block like holes could trigger a switch to become switch able.. but it did.  
  
After a lot of random block pushing and turning and vampire slaying Raziel came across a room that was similar.  
  
What mystified Raziel further was there appeared to be an infinite amount of vampires... unless Raziel did not consume their souls... perhaps this was the Elder's way of teasing him.  
  
Then Raziel heard the Elder's wise words.  
  
"I thought you were getting a little podgy Raziel, now we can't have the hero fat can we? Or if he has spots its a big no no... Raziel remember... you need this job... but this job does not need you."  
  
Raziel... not fully understanding what the Elder meant, assumed it was more helpful/good news and looked increasingly smug.  
  
Raziel had also discovered a new type of foe... Humans... that were wearing red skirts.  
  
At first Raziel assumed that this human was one of the fabled "ladies"... but then the Human started throwing knife like sticks at Raziel in a hostile way. The human seemed to have been ignorant to the fact that  
  
a) His aim was terrible  
  
b) Raziel was holding the Soul Reaver which could and would kill him in one shot  
  
c) He was fighting for the wrong team  
  
Well Raziel continued on his merry way, until he got to a room where a hunter with a flamethrower (Devon knows what they'll come up with next) was cut in two.  
  
"Heh, I'll probably need that to light my cigars off." Raziel had NO intention of killing any more of his brothers... I mean think of Kain's will after he died...  
  
"And my entire empire I leave to my only heir... er... that Human fighting for the wrong team, may you do your job as well as I have."  
  
Raziel thought that was a pretty sorry looking will, and therefore didn't want to kill anymore of his brothers.  
  
After bursting into the room he caught sight of a giant bug stuck on the wall... ... the conflict music began to play.  
  
Raziel looked at the giant bug which appeared to have a curtain of buglike arms above it... suddenly a face type thing came out of the middle bit and started laughing in a girly voice.  
  
"RAZIEL... as you can see I've become a giant spider and thrown myself into the wall so I could be one with this cathedral." Said the bug, now known as Zephon  
  
"Yeah one of your kids told me." said Raziel  
  
"Damn, I wanted it to be a surprise too..." replied Zephon.  
  
Raziel walked up to Zephon and shook one of his bug like hands.  
  
"So blue skinned brother, what do you want from this oversized excuse for a boss?" asked Zephon  
  
"Well Zephon, there's this real hot lady I know called Ariel." started Raziel  
  
"Is this the kinda hot that'll kill me, or the kinda" Zephon stopped as he tried to wolf whistle, but it sounded more like a bee dying and its family trying to comfort the parents. "hot?"  
  
"Errr... bit of both, mainly the first." said Raziel.  
  
"And I suppose you want me to kill her for you?" Smiled Zephon.  
  
"Nah I'll do that later... look Zephon... I really wanna dress up in her... errhum... style.. I've often wondered whats it like to be a y'know.. a errhum..." said Raziel  
  
"A BUG?!" shouted Zephon  
  
"NO! A floating ghost thingy that's been around for a very long time but doesn't seem to realise theres an exit!" shouted Raziel back  
  
"Oh... ok" said Zephon.  
  
At this moment Zephon screamed for no reason and split his face into three. Raziel clapped, quite amused by his brother's trick.  
  
"Raziel... I'm going to tell you something that even the lord doesn't know..." said Zephon, the sound of regret in his voice.  
  
"You know you really should tell Rahab instead of keeping secrets from him." Said Raziel, slightly confused.  
  
"No I meant... just nevermind... brother.. observe my true form!" said Zephon.  
  
A puff of make up induced smoke came off... and there stood an old man, with a long beard and sunglasses and a T-shirt with the printed letters  
  
"Just do it"  
  
on it.  
  
"Sweet mother of Zephon, is that really you Zephon?"  
  
"Darn tootin young'un... it was I all along... Kain's just a pawn of mine... along with Melchiah, the Elder God... in fact everyone... even you." said the old man, now rocking backwards and forwards.  
  
"Right ok then Zephon, so about the makeup..." Raziel was determined  
  
"RAZIEL... can't you see? We are so much more than we once were... look at what I have done.. I have taken the human's weapon of destruction and made it into my home." said Zephon proudly.  
  
"Well no offence buddy, but its a pretty crummy home you got here... you couldn't even afford decent wallpaper..." laughed Raziel.  
  
"Be warned brother... as my stature has decreased as has my hunger... but my want for violence for no reason at all has increased dramatically... as have share prices recently." Zephon was becoming Hostile.  
  
Raziel knew he was gonna end up killing Zephon... no make up made Raziel angry.. real angry..... Raziel walked up to Zephon, picked him up and put him on the fire.  
  
Zephon was too slow for him however, and long after Raziel had put him on the fire he was still sitting down.  
  
The director became angry once more and told Zephon to burn himself or he was gonna find a nasty surprise on next weeks paycheck.  
  
Zephon moved double time onto the fire and as he burned into cinders the layers of makeup finally disintegrated, leaving not an old man... not a huge bug... but a spider.  
  
Raziel screamed as he saw the spider... jumping out of a cathedral window he sighed... realising he'd landed in a pool of water he sighed once more...  
  
After getting out the pool he saw something red, big and angry heading towards him.. it was Zephon's soul.  
  
Zephon's soul began to toss and turn Raziel and threw him to the floor... Raziel was sure this was doing more harm than good but heard the Elder God's voice once more.  
  
"Raziel, Zephon's make up full spider soul has given you an ability that is so very lame it'll make you puke... yes you can now climb walls that are so easy to climb anyway... I mean why you need someone's soul to realise you could stick your claws into the wall and climb up it... well we couldn't give you a fun power like being able to do backflips...OH no... anyway yeah err.. have fun."  
  
Raziel felt terrible... another of his brothers gone to the abyss...he had a terrible family but he WOULD make it work...  
  
Raziel sobbed as he slaughtered more of his nephews... and wondered why all his brothers had good looking clan symbols and his was just a question mark... he'd always been the odd one out...but not this time... this time he'd make the family work. 


	7. Rahab: When lifeguards go nuts

Rahab, the only vampire who wasn't afraid of the deep end. or was he?  
  
This one is called "Rahab - When lifeguards go nuts"  
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
Raziel remembered the countless times when Kain and his boys had gone down to the swimming pool for a family day out... back in the days of the empire... the excitement of packing ones trunk's, the giving wedgies to Zephon, Kain laughing in a fatherly way as he closed the boot of the car and drove down to the pool.  
  
The problems always started when they got to the pool. As they all changed into their trunks and prepared for a fun dive... Kain sat on a table thinking back to his days out with his family... ... ... Kain remembered he had no memories like that and just kinda sat there with a vacant look on his face.  
  
While Raziel, Dumah, Zephon, Turel and Melciah stood scared of jumping into the pool because of the mean looking kids in there... Rahab climbed the diving board and prepared for the ultimate dive.  
  
Whilst Raziel looked with anticipation, Melchiah looked with a kind of cross eyed look (mainly cause his eyes were falling out at the time.), Zephon's eyes were behind a veil of makeup and spiders, Turel was looking at his feet and wondering how he'd get a good size shoe with those size claws ... and the less said about what Dumah was looking at the better.  
  
Rahab did the thumbs up to Kain, who was looking vacantly at the floor... Rahab then jumped in.  
  
"AAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rahab was steaming and he ran in circles in the pool.  
  
Melchiah, Zephon, Turel and Dumah stood there, not looking being able to look at what was happening. Kain still looking at the floor had now fallen off his chair, with various swimming attendants trying to help him up.  
  
Raziel however... had seen his brother was injured... Raziel did the noble thing and pushed Melciah in whilst saying  
  
"Go save him brother."  
  
Melchiah fell to pieces in the pool, making a kind of bridge of dead flesh for Rahab to climb out of the pool in. Melchiah's body parts were sucked into the drainage system and inherited by a very happy chappy. (Now known as Micheal Jackson.)  
  
(Of course Melchiah just stole the lifeguards body parts to replace his.)  
  
Rahab was in a state, smoke still coming off him... Raziel looked on in horror as he realised the burgers had sold out. When Melchiah, Zephon, Dumah and Turel realised what was happening they also looked on in horror, as they were also quite peckish.  
  
Kain however, had tried to comfort Rahab with the words.  
  
"One day son, you'll learn to swim... you'll be the best... the best lifeguard in all of Nosgoth... I have faith in you my son."  
  
However Kain, having realised he was talking to one of the attendants trying to put him in his chair, didn't feel like repeating himself and left Rahab to his own devices.  
  
Rahab had sworn an oath he would never fail in swimming again and practised and practised everyday. Eventually the lifeguards got sick of telling him to get out of the pool cause he was a vampire... this only made Rahab more determined.  
  
By the time Raziel had been accidently nudged into the Abyss, Rahab had become a lifeguard... almost devout to his job.  
  
If a kid even looked as if he was in the deep end Rahab would say.  
  
"NO KID!" and fire a telekinetic ball at them. Although this killed more than it saved, it showed Rahab to be a dedicated worker.  
  
Back in the present day, Raziel had now been told that his brother had stown away in an Abbey. Raziel had saved his brother before, and the two had been quite close... apart from the whole 'Rahab trying to get Raziel execeutioned' thing.  
  
Raziel tried to smile as he thought of the countless times Rahab had told his clan to go for a little swim... how they burned.. and what a mess they made for the Melciah vampires to clear up.  
  
After going to see Ariel again and being told to KILL Rahab... Raziel decided to bring NO weapons this time. He would NOT kill Rahab... the best darn lifeguard around, he thought her mad, this didn't help when she started making chicken noises and flapping her arms to try and fly.  
  
Raziel did however, want something from his brother... that little orange ring that lifeguards have in case someone was drowning... Raziel was desperate to get one so he could wrap the Elder God's tentacles in it and watch the Elder God get slowly dragged into either his blue whirlpool or the surface, so he'd either absorb his own soul in the 'wheeeel of fate' or punks would start throwing rocks at him.  
  
Raziel made his way to where Ariel had told him to go. By making his way this meant Raziel had to take every detour he could till he found some wall climbing place.  
  
After going around the entire world twice he realised Ariel had been holding out on him, and that the Pillars had a conveniently placed wall climbing bit.  
  
Raziel stuck his claws in using Zephon's soul and gradually got higher and higher, till he let go of squar- I mean till he took his hand out to look at his watch and fell back down.  
  
After several times of attempting to climb the wall, Ariel gave him a boost which failed miserably... so Raziel called in a bunch of vampires who were dressed as Stage technicians to make a block at that point so he could jump up there.  
  
Of course Raziel was ignored, and Ariel ended up causing more harm than good... Raziel decided to just take the stairs instead.  
  
After falling off the stairs several times, Raziel finally got up and carried on for a bit.  
  
Raziel stopped when he reached a little tower with a sign above it.  
  
The words "SARAFAN HIDEOUT" were crossed out with a red marker pen and the words "VAMPIRE TOWER LEADING TO RAHAB" written instead.  
  
"Gah, bet the Elder God's gonna go into some lecture and I'm gonna have to go into the spectral realm and the floor'll open up right after I find out my brothers and I were once Sarafan who wanted to kill Kain..."  
  
Raziel walked in, and as expected an FMV sequence started.  
  
"Oh great." Raziel looked inside his former coffin and admired the groove his body had formed in it.  
  
"Raziel, you and your brothers were one workers at McDonalds... your parents... running out of ideas to name you... decided to name you after dead Sarafan priests." As expected the Elder God went on and on. "Kain was gonna take the Sarafan's soul, but then he realised the VAT on them would be enormous and settled for the souls of a bunch of geeky teens who died in a car crash."  
  
"You mean?!" shouted Raziel in alarm  
  
"Yes Raziel... you once were a burger serving hillbilly!" Replied the Elder God  
  
"Nah, I wasn't gonna ask that... I was gonna ask whether the roof of this tower was built out of bricks or crudely made plastic." said Raziel.  
  
"Well I believe, that the bricks were cursed by Kain's evil empire, meaning you should kill him no-" said the Elder God trying to sway Raziel.  
  
"You don't appear to be answering my question... in fact you never answer anyone's questions, you just kinda sit there, ask someone to kill a load of people, then at the very end you say "Oh I can't help you anymore"." Replied Raziel  
  
"Hey look! I didn't sign up for this job... when I came here they said 'Oh yes you'll be the lead role, you'll get the best job and you'll be hitting stardom.' what did I get? The voice of a creature that by all decent laws should be locked up in a zoo... do you know, how many kids come down to my chamber and start saying to their parents. 'Mummy mummy look, an ugly man!' I AM A THEME PARK ATTRACTION... I'm the freakin' mook whose as much use as the pope-" the FMV ended and Raziel, having stolen a wad of cash that was left in a bag marked 'RANSOM MONEY PLEASE RELEASE MY DAUGHTER.' fell over.  
  
The fall was quite hard and killed Raziel, he faded back into the spectral realm and proceeded to fall much further as the floor opened up.  
  
Raziel tried to brush himself off, but thought better of it when he realised he hadn't washed his hands and continued to walk on.  
  
Getting to an area that looked like a great place for a brawl, Raziel caught sight of some sort of creature with the head of a bull, the body of an 8 year old... and REAL sore red eyes.  
  
Raziel feeling he needed directions tapped the thing on the shoulder and said  
  
"Excuse me... could you... kind of erm... point me in the direction of Rahab... .... ... please?" Asked Raziel.  
  
The creature, not fully understanding who he was... and not understanding who Raziel was... said  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
Raziel said again  
  
"I am looking.. for my brother Rahab... can you-" Raziel got interrupted  
  
"I don't understand" replied the rather bewildered figure.  
  
Raziel took a step forward towards the figure.  
  
"Its a simple..." Raziel stopped as the creature, scared out of its incredibly small wits, ran off the side of the ledge into the water below. "Well, I get the feeling I need a bath."  
  
The elder God's voice boomed up once more.  
  
"Consuming Morloch's soul has-" the Elder was interrupted.  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa... Morloch? And I haven't consumed any souls yet.... this is gonna hurt isn't it?" Raziel said, catching sight of the purple blobs heading in his direction.  
  
The soul, as expected, beat Raziel around a lot... and Raziel ended up having to hold R1 to auto target the soul... now the real fight began.  
  
Well, it wasn't so much of a real fight as it was Raziel swiping once, realising he couldn't hit the soul and getting zapped by it.  
  
"As I was saying, consuming Morloch's soul has given you the power to fire stuff at other stuff, this also stuns vampires and once you bless the Reaver in fire makes the games 100 times easier." continued the Elder God  
  
"If it wasn't easy already... with the sucky nephews who are so damn stupid and slow... except those Blackjack playing spiders... they're so damned evil anyway... yeah I'll go and cause more trouble by throwing bubbles at other things. Wonder if I can smash a few windows with this too." Raziel said as everyone ignored him.  
  
Well Raziel continued running really fast with his hands flapping about, he then decided to walk or "sneak" which made him look like some sort of gangster, before finally crouching and walking about.  
  
The Rahabiam vampires, had caught sight of Raziel a long way off, and had thought him insane... they reported this to their master... and their master told them to shove it.  
  
So that's precisely what they did... they each got spears... and 'shoved it'... to say Raziel was shocked when he walked past... would be a total lie.  
  
"Well seems like a great place.. the fresh sight of water everywhere, excellent gothic architecture, a fire forge I can make my Reaver ultimately powerful with and not a nephew to offend the eye.  
  
However not all the Rahabiam were suicidal, and one or two still stood standing, either wondering what in tarnation had happened while they were in the toilet for two seconds... or they just stood there singing tunes to themselves.  
  
Well Raziel solved a bunch of puzzles that were mind numbingly hard... having found the forge he 'blessed' the reaver.  
  
This involved placing his head in the flames shouting the word  
  
"EXTREME!!!!!"  
  
and doing a rain dance. After doing these pointless exercises Raziel put his hand in the fire and watched it catch light.  
  
The Elder God had a sore throat and uttered but one phrase.  
  
"Raziel, you're a stupid fool and I want to disown you... the sooner you go away the sooner I can see my family, now shut up and fly right."  
  
Raziel, heeding these words ran into the water to stop the burning.  
  
Raziel had forgotten that swimming wasn't a good idea... and was laughed at by a bunch of Slaugh as he faded into the Spectral realm. (Didn't help that he had no trunks on.)  
  
Well after carrying on once more, he bumped into one of these non-suicidal Rahabiam vampires.  
  
Eager to try out his new powers he initiated conversation with the vampire.  
  
"What is your opinion on the topic of fire bub?" Raziel said.  
  
The vampire turned around and Raziel saw the horror... ... ... it had GILLS and IT.. WAS... a FISH.  
  
"Oh sorry, I thought you were a vampire... you must be one of them flying fish things." Raziel said backing away from the vampire.  
  
The vampire, still humming to itself nodded at Raziel.  
  
"Wait" said Raziel. "Flying fish only fly when there is tropical weather and there is food to catch..."  
  
Raziel looked outside and saw that there was a jungle marked 'Tropical'... Raziel also noticed the vampire munching on a human who appeared to be dead and at the vampire's feet.  
  
"Oh, nevermind then" said Raziel.  
  
Still Raziel decided to fire a fire projectile at the fish as he walked away, and let out a little schoolboy giggle as the vampire ran in circles before collapsing into a goldfish bowl.  
  
As Raziel went along he pulled the spears out of some of the fish and then beat them about before stabbing them again. Gave him some well needed exercise as well as keeping the fishes active, "They do say" said Raziel to himself "That fishes need exercise."  
  
Raziel didn't seem to care that, normally, if you speared a flying fish, when you removed the spear it did not re-animate its corpse... but then Raziel had been an ignorant fellow.  
  
A lot of falling into water and burning later, Raziel came across the FINAL door... the music became fishy... the stench was fishy... even the door was fishy. (It fell over before Raziel even looked at it.)  
  
Raziel was now looking at a room that had a big water pit, 3 windows, and a BIG fish.  
  
Well the first thing Raziel thought of was catching the big fish. He got out his 'fish catching' chair, a fishing rod, some maggots (found in Melciah's eyes) as bait and sat there for a good few... ... hou- minut- seconds before jumping out of his chair and shouting wildly.  
  
"Big fish! You will jump onto my rod or I will come down there and... ... Generally annoy you!" shouted Raziel.  
  
The fish let out in a loud booming voice. "Go on then, come down here."  
  
Raziel, now quite annoyed jumped into the water and instantly died.  
  
Getting back into the material realm as soon as he could Raziel jumped back into the pool again. This circle went on for around another millennium.  
  
Until one day Raziel stopped as the fish sat there laughing at him.  
  
"Tell me Fish... what manner of creature are you?" said Raziel.  
  
"Oh, I'm your brother Rahab... I don't know who you are, but I am sure I am your brother... errr... so yeah." said Rahab  
  
"Oh cool... do you have one of those rubber ring things?" asked Raziel.  
  
"Its on the floor next to you." Rahab said  
  
"Ah yes I've tripped over it a few times, thought it was just someone's boomerang though." said Raziel. "So brother... how's life guarding going?"  
  
"Ah, had to give that up after I became a giant fish." boomed Rahab.  
  
"Damn those fat cats... not giving you the job just cause you're a giant fish." exclaimed Raziel in protest.  
  
"Yeah... and its not like I made a BIG mess... sure I killed everyone, knocked down the building and stole some chairs... but in this day and age who cares." said Rahab.  
  
"Thats terrible, they can't fire you for that." replied Raziel.  
  
"Then Kain put me in this pit and I've been here for about... well 2500 years really. Made a pretty good mark on the wall, which I am highly proud of." said Rahab putting a fin on his chest and looking smug.  
  
"I'll admit it Rahab you've done well... so I can take this boomer- I mean life saver thing?" said Raziel.  
  
"Ok then little... I mean bigger brother... by the way can you open the windows its getting a little stuffy in here." Rahab asked.  
  
"Most certainly" Said Raziel as he looked at the 3 windows.  
  
Raziel, deciding to save time, decided to smash open all three at the same time by throwing his boomera... life thingy and making it swirl around and hit all three windows.  
  
All three smashed then the big one concealed in the roof did too BOOM... McDonald staff descended through the windows into the pit.  
  
Using eye laser beams they instantly killed Raziel, leaving a battered (haha) Rahab left to defend his pit.  
  
Rahab fought bravely, but the employees simply positioned a mirror so that all 4 sunlight traces hit Rahab... Rahab burned... of course being in water the fire died down and he just kinda sat there wondering what'd happen next.  
  
As the employees each jumped out of the windows each kicking Rahab they placed stickers all over the room of Ronald's beaming face, holding Raziel's head in one hand and a happy meal in the other.  
  
Raziel phased back, to see Rahab sitting there... his head brutally kicked he floated there... Raziel went to put a plaster on the wound when Rahab moved.  
  
"Brother... run... the bomb... its in my wound... I'M the bomb. Brother, I will always love you... now go... go my brother." said Rahab as he faded.  
  
"NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raziel as he realised his boomerang had landed on Rahab's head.  
  
"My brother do not scream for me... I shall live on forever in your heart and soul." comforted Rahab.  
  
Raziel wanted that life guard ring thing... but it seemed sacrifices must be made in order to defeat Ronald.. He sighed as he remembered the great times he and that ring had... whilst Rahab sat there floating in his own juices, Raziel ran into a door, went backwards and ran back into Rahab. After realising he'd gone nowhere and the bomb was at 0:05 he threw himself out one of the windows.  
  
The abbey exploded leaving behind McDonald scented rocks and fish parts. The ring, fell to the floor... in cinders.  
  
In the cinders Raziel made his oath... he knew the hand that wrought this deed.  
  
Raziel turned from the burning rubble, with dramatic music playing, after slipping over a fish head and falling onto a spear which made him go into the specteral realm, he again resumed walking into the distance... only to find out, he had no idea where he was going.  
  
But then another soul started stalking him, Raziel could guess what was gonna happen.  
  
The soul gave Raziel a high five before slapping him to the floor and spitting on him.  
  
The Elder's voice once again boomed out.  
  
"Rahab's smelly soul has given you the ability to swim, because you hav never swam before you'll most likely be an extremely good swimmer who can fire projectiles at things underwater... travel to some place where you need to swim to progress through your deesstttinnny... I mean the game!"  
  
Raziel continued to walk into the distance... failing to realise, he now had gills and a flipper. He hit himself with his own flipper and collapsed in a fury of rage and fishiness. 


	8. When Dumah got his groove back

Dumah was the third born but was not known for his counting ability, therefore he never knew his place. until one day.  
  
I call this one. 'When Dumah got his groove back.'  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------  
  
"Good God ya'll what is it good for?! ABSOULUTELY NOTHING... I SAIIIDDDDD WWAAAARRRR!" Raziel was singing to himself as he strode down the lake of the dead... doing a hip dance as he moved.  
  
Raziel walked up to the Dumah vampire he always threw in the lake... the vampire backed off hoping Raziel would keel over with an earache or something.  
  
For the fifth time, Raziel smacked the vampire up with his claws and threw him in the deep end. But we all know, that the vampire would be back, the next time Raziel loaded the game.  
  
Raziel had another boring mission given to him by the Elder...  
  
"Raziel!" The elder had shouted at Raziel whilst he was swimming in a public swimming pool. "Go to the snowy place..."  
  
"But why?! I just wanna play in the shallow end with my friends... and slide down the big sl-" Raziel protested.  
  
"Huuur HUM, who is the giant squid here?! Now you go to snow land or I steal your cape." The Elder had shouted back... the children in the pool now quite scared of the fact a loud ominous voice was shouting at a devourer of souls.  
  
"If I don't have that cape... dentists will be swarming over me and telling me I need a lower jaw... do you not feel the PAIN of the bills that will appear?" Raziel shouted once more.  
  
"Look Raziel, I brought you back to life for NO CHARGE, all I did was ask you to kill your family..." At this point the elder ripped off its t-shirt in a dramatic way "DON'T I DESERVE A BREAK?!!?!?!??! GAAAAAAAHHHH" at this point the Elder broke down into tears... however after a short slapping by the director and the ever powerful phrase 'You wanna get fired ya mook?' The elder composed himself.  
  
"Just go and build a snowman... elder out."  
  
"Mr. Spock... take us to warp 3... head for snow land!" Raziel addressed a small child who was struggling in the pool.  
  
The child looked up, giggled... and then cried as its mother dragged it away from the fear inducing Raziel.  
  
So now Raziel was on his way to snow town...  
  
Snow town U.S.A was where Santa lived... Raziel was incredibly anxious to meet Santa and had prepared extensively. Raziel had a Santa hat... a gift of chocolates... and his sparkling personality.  
  
Santa had also been anxiously wanting to see little Raziel... ... ... 3 centuries earlier that is. Now however, Santa had retired after being turned into a vampire by Dumah and being thoroughly laughed at when he turned up for work late one day and claimed a reindeer and killed his family.  
  
Since that day, Santa turned evil... said to be aiding the magic's of Ronald McDonald... he led the vampire hunters and came back to Dumah's snow palace.  
  
Dumah however, being arrogant... put up every defence he could.  
  
Unfortunately, one vampire wielding a kite, was not enough to stop the hordes of vampire hunters and Santa's insanely powerful MEGA BLAST.  
  
Dumah bravely fought back by cowering at Santa's feet and claiming he could be a good floor scrubber.  
  
Santa rejected the idea, as he didn't feel like finding the food to feed ANOTHER floor scrubber... therefore Santa decided on a better purpose for Dumah.  
  
Santa decided the only fate fitting for Dumah was to make him into a signpost... to this Dumah agreed, thinking his job would get him girls and guns...  
  
Dumah gave the thumbs up as Santa pushed the three stakes into Dumah... which kinda... hurt... Dumah...  
  
Anyway before Santa had enough time to put a flag on the end of the stakes that pointed to Ronald's EMPIRE... he was interrupted by Aladdin and his gang of thieves, who instantly begin to steal things from Santa. Santa did the honest thing and ran off... just the thought of fighting someone bigger than him scared him.  
  
The vampire hunters played a game of scrabble... however the victor ended up being brutally beaten by his comrades.  
  
Both the thieves and the hunters were arrested by the police later that day when they committed grand grand grand arson... Santa... was never found.  
  
Anyway this drama happened whilst Raziel was having his bath... and as Raziel waltzed into the wrecked land he whistled the tune to Big Brother.  
  
Raziel looked around wondering what in tarnation had happened to the little elves and the strange strange STRANGE Seals.  
  
Finding more of his beloved nephews he consulted them on their schoolwork.  
  
Raziel: So... you guys go to Private schools?  
  
Dumah vampire: Nah... we're bunking school  
  
Raziel: Oh... 'kool'  
  
DV: Its not actually, education is very important to us, we just had to stay today cause we heard our uncle was coming.  
  
Raziel: Bet he's a boring ol' fool  
  
DV: Yeah I really wanna slap him  
  
Raziel: If I see him I'll slap him too... anyway seeya around mate  
  
DV: Yeah later dude.  
  
Both didn't seem to realise who Raziel was... and when the stage manager told them what was going on, both were incredibly distraught.  
  
The purges of Santa had left this place desolated... nephews dead everywhere... instead or receiving medical aid, someone had stuck a spear in them...  
  
"Terrible...absolutely terrible.. the state of paramedics in this day and age.. cuh cuh... wicked." Raziel said to himself.  
  
After Raziel pulled the spears out of some of the bodies, they immediately jumped up. Their blue sparks blinded Raziel and his hands fumbled about in a violent manner as he tried to see. The vampire, had taken this the wrong way... and smacked Raziel.  
  
Then the vampire made strange noises and put a blue line on Raziel.  
  
At first Raziel thought the vampire was offering him a lollipop... but the dream soon faded when he caught sight of his life going down.  
  
Raziel tried to cower away from the now angered sparkly guy... but the line followed him.  
  
The vampire eventually just sat down... ignoring Raziel.  
  
Raziel took this advantage to fire a projectile at the vampire. Raziel missed, and the vampire assumed someone was trying to harm him by the way projectiles were firing around him.  
  
However the AI programming did not allow the vampire to react, and this it stood there, hoping for the best.  
  
Well, Raziel eventually hit the vampire and threw the spear he pulled out of it at the vampire.  
  
The spear missed the vampire due to Raziel's bad bad bad aim... however the technicians used their 'influence' to guide the spear into the vampire's heart.  
  
As expected, the vampire fell to the floor... wondering why OH why couldn't he keep his lil sparkles.  
  
Raziel continued on, only shocked by this small encounter.  
  
After a lot of spectral material changing puzzles and random block puzzles, Raziel reached a furnace.  
  
Figuring this furnace didn't look like the other puzzles, he assumed he'd better use it.  
  
Raziel turned the gas thing... and a load of flammable gas came out.  
  
Raziel then operated the levers and knobs, at first, Raziel managed to get the TV to work.  
  
However then Raziel realised, now was no time to be watching Richard and Judy discussing how life was bad and turned it off.  
  
He then pulled on the BIG lever... and a rabbit jumped out... then some whacko set the rabbit on fire..  
  
Well Raziel stood kinda amazed by the animal cruelty at first.. before it hit him.  
  
That's right someone threw a rock, oh and then it went BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
  
Raziel wondered why he had been vulnerable to a tiny bit of water, but not an entire inferno of fire. Raziel pondered why people can't just be content with candles. As expected the fire somehow blew open an opening and as Raziel had thought, there were more puzzles.  
  
Well Raziel carried on and on, looking at the lovely checkerboard effect on the floor and bugging nephews and slaughs alike.  
  
Until one day... when Raziel was running in circles he noticed that one room was bigger than the others.  
  
Ignoring this room, Raziel ran straight past. On his next circuit around, Raziel decided perhaps he should ignore the room harder. However Raziel found the problem too difficult and could not ignore the room, after a deep battle with his subconscious, Raziel found himself half walking into the room and half not.  
  
With a helpful 'nudge' from the entire cast, Raziel eventually made it in Dumah's chamber.  
  
"My brother Dumah had been a great pancake maker" said Raziel "He would've burned with fury if he knew I saw him like this. For there had been no pancake mixer, no automatic machine flipper... that had been as overconfident as he."  
  
Seeing the three flagpoles in Dumah, Raziel decided to leave him there and hope for the best.  
  
Unfortunately for Raziel, hoping for the best included removing the three flagpoles... Raziel did this with seemingly incredible difficulty.  
  
The last flagpole, before Raziel could ask Dumah where Santa was... as Raziel pulled it out, Dumah's eyes flashed red.  
  
"Brother!... Your eyes?!" Raziel screamed  
  
"Bloodshot I know, too much damn sleep and not enough play" replied Dumah in a squeaky yet seductive voice.  
  
"So err... ... nice err... tail" Raziel said  
  
"I don't have a tail" Dumah responded  
  
"Oh... ... ..." Raziel said shrugging...  
  
The director, sensing that an increasing amount of boredom was the only thing produced here, decided to liven things up a bit. He threw Raziel's teddy bear at Dumah.  
  
"OH! I see! Now Raziel's gone lets steal his toys?!" Raziel was furious  
  
"No brother I di-" Dumah stepped back.. despite being 6 foot taller than Raziel.  
  
"WHEN YOU GOT KILLED, I DIDN'T GO ABOUT STEALING YOUR PJAMA'S DID I BROTHER?!" Raziel shoved Dumah back.  
  
Dumah, not being one to bend over backwards for someone... bent over forwards..  
  
Unfortunately this involved head butting Raziel.. who received a terrible wound.  
  
Then for no reason, a bulldozer being driven by a Melchiah vampire, ploughed through the building.  
  
Naturally the wrecking ball brutally severed Dumah's head... ruining the scene in the game.  
  
The Melchiah vampire was made to replace Dumah. The vampire nervously read its lines as Raziel yawned... the camera caught this.  
  
"My centuries.... playing limbo... in limbo... have given me powe...pow....powe...r?" The Melchiah vampire could barely read.  
  
"POWER?!" Zephon screamed from the wall.  
  
"Yes" said the actor replacing Dumah  
  
"HAHAHAHA... I AM power!!!!" Zephon cackled, failing to realise he was stuck in a wall and could do nothing.  
  
The vampire continued to read its lines. "Not even Kain... can do sums... involving... equal? Oh sorry, not even Kain.. is my equal..."  
  
At that moment Kain appeared, with a cap labelled "Big shot" on his head, and a bad ass look on his face.  
  
"YOU'RE WHAT?" Kain shouted at the vampire  
  
The vampire cowered... stuttering.. the director had a rifle aimed at his head, Kain had his sword near his pelvis... and Raziel had a furnace to lead him to.  
  
The vampire, wanting to appear in the sequel... kept to the lines.  
  
"Kain, is not.. no... not..." at this point the vampire cried. "Not my... equal...."  
  
Dumah came crashing through the roof, landed next to the vampire... and collapsed on top of him.  
  
Well Kain, not being paid overtime.. decided he'd better go home. Zephon, having been smacked about by small kids and being hosed down by fireman, desperately tried to scream, but all he could manage was.  
  
"BBBRRRZZZZ"  
  
Which everyone assumed was just a giant slug dying.  
  
Well, Dumah and Raziel continued to converse.  
  
"I say brother, do you know where Santa be?!" Raziel asked excitedly.  
  
"He be far from here brother, across the mountains, two steps forwards, one step ba... no wait sorry, 3 ..." Dumah stood confused for a few hours.  
  
After a while Raziel changed the topic  
  
"Hey brother, do you know you have a furnace here for no reason at all, that would serve no purpose to any vampires except to kill them?"  
  
"Why yes I do... here lead me to it while I chase you in a threatening manner." Dumah replied.  
  
As they marched on, Dumah tripped over a few times... because he was so damn turtle like, this caused the Earth to ripple.... which SOMEHOW made Raziel go blue and dance about a bit... when asked about it later Raziel claimed he was 'jiving to the music'.  
  
Anyway they got to the furnace after going through a pointlessly long corridor... Dumah stood in the middle of the furnace, and began reciting the Gettysburg Address.. of which he was very fond of.  
  
Raziel decided to impress his brother by showing him how many channels he could get on the TV. First he spun the wheel, which made the flammable gas come out.  
  
Next he pulled the lever... however the TV was no longer there.... flammable rats had eaten it!  
  
As the flammable rat strapped dynamite to itself and recited long, but meaningful poems. Dumah continued to recite his address.  
  
The rat, let out one crazily geekish laugh as it pulled the cord. However the dynamite was fake and nothing happened.  
  
Naturally it just so happened that a bunch of aeroplanes were planning to bomb that area for.... no apparent reason at that time.  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. Was the sound that no one heard.. because it was more of a BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.  
  
Dumah's burning body.... was never found.  
  
Many say Dumah didn't die at all and that it was all a scam... others claim that Dumah is just a figment of our imagination.  
  
Either way, the soul sprang out of Dumah's body... and attacked the rat.  
  
"Rat! Having defeated this beast of a vampire man, you have gained his abilities, now go to the place with the spinny thing and use that circly thing to make it go A-R-O-U-N-D. And don't stay up too late, I saw you last night rat... don't think I'm not watching you." The elder stopped talking as the mic ran out of power.  
  
The rat smiled, aching to be the new hero.  
  
Raziel stood in its shadow... he was now but the side kick...  
  
Nevertheless, rat and Raziel would meet Santa claus.... battle with Ronald... and discuss various economic problems with Kain!  
  
The rat turned from the cinders, its oversized goggles obstructing its view. Raziel then stepped behind it.  
  
"Lets get going" said the rat in a deep heroic voice.  
  
"Wait a second, my shoes are undone" said Raziel hopping behind him  
  
As Raziel tripped over, it was obvious that this entire scene would be cut from the game.  
  
Alas poor Dumah... the legends will speak of you again... and alas poor Zephon and Melchiah vampire #16.... May you live long wherever you maybe. 


	9. When Raziel met Kain PART II

Next story! When father met son PART II...  
  
This is set at the end of the game... Raziel has somehow made his way in a drunken rage through the Oracle's caves and has arrived at the Star portals...  
  
And remember, sons are for Christmas, not just for life.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------  
  
The director felt like celebrating... the game was nearly at an end! Just one more scene and finally... FINALLY he'd have a game he could release. He had all the artwork... he had all the console deals... he even had the Soul Reaver T-shirt.... but what he didn't have was a decent cast.  
  
Raziel was in a happy mood... he'd just killed all his brothers (except Turel who he assumed was having a nice round of golf and whom he did not wish to bother.) and had severely wounded his father. Not to mention the hundreds of nephews he'd slaughtered the various ancient souls he had devoured.... the shrines he had desecrated.... the various rocks, which he had kicked at people.  
  
But most of all.... the love he had spread.  
  
Raziel let out a heart-warming sigh as he thought of all the couples he'd brought together...  
  
Then it dawned on Raziel, none of those couples had paid him... ... .... ever!  
  
"Oh well" mumbled Raziel as he continued down the winding passage ways "I'm sure wherever they are, they're happy."  
  
A couple Raziel had 'set-up' burst through the roof and started grappling with each other... they were both Turelieum vampires and had been well err... making out... hurr hum when Raziel saw them last.  
  
"What trickery is this?!" shouted Raziel "Is this one of Kain's delusions?! Does he really expect me to believe this?"  
  
"You stupid little pig! Teach you to kill my parents!" shouted the male vampire.  
  
"You mook, they were stealing your wedding dress! I merely spared you from total dissolution!" said the female vampire... not wondering why she was quoting what the Elder had said at the start of the game.  
  
"Wedding dress?! But I wasn't wearing a wedding dress!" said the male vampire.  
  
"You're right.... I was!" said the female vampire  
  
"Aaaw lets quit all this fighting and make it up with some loving!" said the male vampire as the two hugged each other...  
  
The romantic chords played and chimed.  
  
Raziel who stood a distance away, had not fully understood the situation, and assumed the female vampire was preparing a Vulcan death strike on the Male vampire by grappling him to the floor!  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Raziel as he activated bullet time and jumped at the two... he pulled out his soul reaver and began to fire.  
  
The projectiles moved slowly and for no reason at all various security personnel jumped out.  
  
"CALL FOR BACKUP!" screamed one of the guards...  
  
Then as one would have guessed, the Matrix music started playing.  
  
As the projectiles hit the female vampire, the male vampire stood in horror...  
  
"MY LOVE!!!!" shouted the male vampire... "Where art thou my love?!" the male vampire failed to realise that she was right in front of him... ... ... on a spike.  
  
The guards wondered what in tarnation was going on as the female vampire's radioactive soul flew about... they then started shooting at Raziel who sidestepped behind a pillar.  
  
The male vampire swore revenge, failing to also realise that pushing his lover off the spike would bring her back to life... intelligence was something he'd left at home.  
  
The male vampire suddenly got given a black agent suit and sunglasses, not knowing what they were for he promptly ate them.  
  
The male vampire, was hastily replaced by the director... who did look marginally like an agent.  
  
The guards, began to wonder why  
  
a) A vampyric woman was suspended on a spike  
  
b) The big male vampire had been thrown away by a small man in a suit  
  
c) Time kept slowing down all the time  
  
d) Why the strange guy with no eyes in front of them could fire projectiles  
  
e) Why pay rises just were not included in their jobs  
  
and finally  
  
f) What they were doing here in the first place.  
  
Nevertheless... the guards continued to shoot at the pillar, not realising Raziel was standing next to it.  
  
Raziel once again put bullet time on... and tried to run up the wall (Which I am proud to say I can do... honest I can run up walls like they do in the Matrix.. but anyway) this failed miserably when Raziel's claw got stuck in the wall and he stuck to it as opposed to running along it.  
  
After hitting the jump button he found himself climbing up the wall...  
  
The guards, after shooting the pillar down... realised perhaps the guy they were after was elsewhere.  
  
One instantly found Raziel... and engaged in a voodoo dance with him.  
  
Raziel found voodoo dancing highly difficult whilst stuck to a wall... and began to slip.  
  
The other guards had now realised that voodoo dancing was illegal and shot at the guard who was dancing.  
  
The guard got shot through the wall, and as the small MDF wall was demolished a random lava flow burst out.  
  
One guard shouted "BLOCK THE EXITS!"  
  
But none of the other guards knew what an exit was and just simply shot at Raziel.  
  
At this point the actor who played Raziel was taken away and was replaced by a stunt man...  
  
The bullet time effect was then added as the stunt man jumped off the wall and did a 540 degree flip... as he landed on the floor Raziel quickly threw him out the way and fired random projectiles in random directions.  
  
None of the guards were injured or harmed in anyway, but the background crew soon changed that.  
  
Each guard was slowly dragged away by the mystery force and could be heard screaming.  
  
It was simply the director... and Raziel.  
  
The director wanted to get rid of this actor once and for all... and jumped up to attack him with a flying kick.  
  
Raziel responded by jumping with a flying kick and both used bullet time.  
  
The camera spun around as the player held down the left and right shoulder buttons.  
  
The director's kick hit first and Raziel was thrown against the wall.  
  
Raziel quickly rose to his feet as the agent ran up to him.  
  
Left punch right punch sweep kick... is what would have happened had Raziel not cheated by pulling the director's tie.  
  
The director quickly responded with a reverse kick, and stopped momentarily to re-adjust his tie.  
  
Raziel's plan had failed, he did not compensate for the director's tie making abilities...  
  
The director smiled at finally having a good game at last.  
  
Raziel tried to fire a projectile at the director, but the director did that dodge thing and tripped over.... watching the projectile fly past.  
  
Raziel then wildly spun at the director hitting wherever he could.  
  
The director spun him in the opposite direction and Raziel went through the wall.  
  
Unfortunately for the director, the wall Raziel had just fallen through led straight into the time streaming chamber... where Kain was sitting on a deck chair rehearsing his lines!!!  
  
The director quickly got the intercom and addressed Kain and Raziel quietly...  
  
"Improvise!! Quickly!" the intercom then slipped out of his hand as a guard struggled out and shot his hand...  
  
Kain jumped out of his chair, which folded as it fell to the floor...  
  
Raziel tried to look surprised.... as Kain stood aghast for a few seconds.  
  
Kain looked up and saw the director making hand signals to make something up... QUICK.  
  
"Errr... at last...I must say I'm disappointed in your err... hurrr.." Kain stood looking at his feet for a second desperately trying to remember what was on the script... "PROGRESS! that's the one...I imagined you'd be here in suede boo.. I mean sooner! Tell me, did it trouble you to slightly bug your brothers?"  
  
Raziel looked up... wondering whether Kain was talking to him or not...  
  
"Ohhhh err yeeess... yes it did" Raziel smiled smugly... but received a look of horror from the Director.  
  
Raziel gave the director a thumb up signal, to which the director replied with a massive scream. (Which is what you hear in the game.)  
  
"Sooo err... did it trouble you when you ordered me into the abyss?" Raziel replied smiling slightly.  
  
"Yes, took us 5 and a half people to lift your immense weight, then another 20 to fill that lake up so we could drop you in it." replied Kain looking for words.  
  
The director dropped a stone on Kain's head, to which Kain responded by giving Raziel a completely opposite answer.  
  
"No!... I had faith in you... in your ability to come back to life and read from a script...and err your hate... for err self righteous... boot buying book selling bootlegging yet anti antics."  
  
"Lieeesss ALLLL liieeessss... you see it says here on THIS rock." said Raziel showing Kain a rock "That none of that is true."  
  
"Eternity is relentless Raziel... as is this stone!" Kain tried to throw the stone away but it fell out of his hand. "When I first fell into this chamber a few minutes ago.. I did not fathom the true power of knowledge, and I still don't. But... I do know things now... hurr hum... lots of things... like you err... have err.. legs.. to know the legs Raziel... to see its paths and streams of errr legs tracing out into an infinite length of trouser length.  
  
As a man... I could have sold these truths for extortionate prices, but each of us is so much more ugly looking than we once were. Gazing out of this window onto a big rock that looks slightly bigger than another rock, do you not feel with all your soul how we have become like monkey headed chumps??? And as such, are we not indivisible?"  
  
Kain stood smug, feeling he had created a very good script.  
  
Raziel yawned as he had no knowledge and no idea what Kain was saying.  
  
The director was emitting steam from the roof... at Kain's pointless story that made no sense.  
  
"As long as a single one of stands... we... are a legion... granted not a very happy or crowded legion... but still if I say we're a legion we're a legion... you got that?!" Finished Kain.  
  
"Very poetic Kain, especially liked the use of synonyms and various rhyming tools." replied Raziel, who was quite a poet.  
  
"Thank you my friend" Said Kain  
  
"Anytime daddy-o" said Raziel.  
  
"Soooo err...." mumbled Kain  
  
"Heh yeah... sooooooo " Raziel sighed.  
  
Then Raziel remembered the electricity Kain had been stealing... the crimes of stealing was something Raziel could not stand! Especially when Kain used it on Raziel and gave him a damn good shocking...  
  
"But in the end, you offer a convenient rationalisation for your crimes." said Raziel slightly angry.  
  
"Indeed it is an offer... raise you 50!" replied Kain  
  
"DEAL!" shouted Raziel.  
  
"Oh by the way" started Kain "These chambers offer insight to those patient enough to watch... in your haste to err... land in my chamber on top of my LOVELY deck chair perhaps you have not stopped to look"  
  
"Actually, I did... several times, as I fell down ya see I caught site of each of the portals and saw the time streams... very nice I especially like the wallpaper, its very nice." said Raziel  
  
"Did you know that our futures are predestined?" Said Kain  
  
"Wow? Really? Tell me more!" gasped Raziel.  
  
"See Moebius was telling me-" Kain was interrupted  
  
"Booooooooooooooooooooooooooring" said Raziel "Did you know I've been to the Sarafan place Kain? Your dirty mess has been cleaned up by yours truly, just needed a bit of a dusting and vacuuming."  
  
"Oh yeah, you see the opened coffins whose names just happened to be the same names as you and your brothers?" said Kain.  
  
"Yeah I kinda did." said Raziel.  
  
"Rats... so err you hate me now?" Kain pointed out.  
  
"Ohhh yeeaaahhh I'm meant to hate- err yes I do demon!" replied Raziel "How did you turn a long dead Sarafan priest into a vampire by the way?"  
  
"Well ya see... one must keep his friends close... which is why I keep a lot of parrots by my throne.... but his enemies even closer, so if a fight DOES start we can all shake hands much quicker." started Kain "Can you grasp..." Kain noticed Raziel's hands weren't too good for grasping things and so changed the topic "There is an absurd beautiful paradox somewhere here errr... I'll show you it in a second just gotta find it."  
  
"Yeah its over there somewhere buddy." Raziel said looking for this paradox.  
  
"Ah well, it basically just said we're the same... despite the Sarafan being holy human warriors and me being some undead vampire sk8terdude... think it said that anyway." said Kain in a high tone of voice. "Who better to serve me than those whose passion transcends all... passion and... erm valentine cards?" Kain stopped, knowing he would pay for that line.  
  
"Well I'm not gonna applaud, my hands hurt too much, but nice clever blasphemy, I think I'll write that one down actually." said Raziel  
  
"Yeah go ahead, got plenty more catchphrases where that came from." said Kain.  
  
"Some guys out there were saying I was a noble out there." said Raziel looking for a pen.  
  
"Yeah I kinda... made you into a.. kinda fatcat when you were alive.. but nothings too good for my boy right?!" said Kain  
  
Raziel, who hated nobility and fatcats immediately shouted.  
  
"The Sarafan were PEASANTS! Defending Nosgoth from the fatcats that we represent!!! My eyes are damaged Kain... therefore I can see no nobility in any life you can throw at a corpse!"  
  
"You have discovered a dictionary by your use of the word Peasant, but you know nothing of it." replied Kain "You think the Sarafan were peasants? Poor and stupid?! Heh don't try and be clever sonny Jim, you're as thick as a large boat. They're agenda was the same as mine... find the Nazi gold and pray PRAY that no one else wants it!"  
  
"You are lost in some kind of maze" said Raziel "A maze of joy... but not PURE joy...these dictionaries and random slogans... what game are you playing by the way?"  
  
"I'm playing Ludo." said Kain "Do you want to play?"  
  
"Errr.... yes" said Raziel... after he realised he didn't know what Ludo was he refused.  
  
"I know! We can play Destiny!" said Kain  
  
"Ah yes that loveable dice rolling game!" said Raziel  
  
"Now, you await my latest move!" said Kain  
  
"Well yeah, since you haven't moved yet..." said Raziel  
  
"Indeed.... innndddeeeeeed." replied Kain.  
  
The two stood there for a time wondering what to do next.  
  
Then the director somersaulted down and decided to beat them both up.  
  
But then the twist in the story occurred... McDonalds had begun its attack... just as the Director was about to pummel Kain, the building shook.  
  
At that moment, 5 helicopters took the roof of the chamber off and flew it away... then a massive spaceship descended on the characters.  
  
"Director.. what is happening?!" shouted Raziel  
  
"Stay behind me children, I will save you!" said the director as Kain and Raziel cowered behind him.  
  
As the spaceship landed the Imperial March tune from Starwars played and the hanger doors opened.  
  
Guards with the McDonalds insignia on their uniforms walked out, clad in massively powerful armour and energy guns... they lined up against the spaceship as a mighty figure could be seen coming out of the doors.  
  
"RONALD!" shouted the director  
  
"Director... we meet again" replied Ronald...  
  
As Ronald descended from his ship, his striped uniform glittered immensely... energy was flowing around him... his clown like faced reflected the evil within his soul.  
  
The director took a step back as Ronald walked towards him... towering over him.  
  
"It seems, that you have been causing trouble director... and we do not like trouble do we?" boomed Ronald.  
  
"Noo-no no sir..." said the director.  
  
Kain began to cry... Raziel clung to him.  
  
The director suddenly found a burst of courage... which he traded for a spiced bean. He then realised he could fight his way out.  
  
As he moved into his director-fighting stance... the doors of the time streaming device burst open and more soldiers came out.  
  
Then 20 ground digging vehicles burst out of the floor, revealing another 200 soldiers, all emotionless armour clad warriors.  
  
The director stood there punching air as Kain and Raziel egged him on with such phrases as  
  
"Get 'em Jimmy" and "Good GOD whats that on your back?"  
  
That's when the guns got out... the director took out his use and jumped at Ronald firing his machine gun.  
  
Ronald dodged out the way, and Raziel and Kain both ran into the soldiers.  
  
As Raziel and Kain took on the soldiers, by getting hit by their bullets and bouncing them back at them. The director and Ronald duelled with breadsticks.  
  
"Give it up old man, it is hopeless!" boomed Ronald.  
  
"Never!" the director swung around emitting a spark as his bread stick hit Ronald's  
  
"I am your master Director... BOW before me!" screamed Ronald.  
  
The director bowed being a polite man, then continued to fight with the bread stick.  
  
Raziel and Kain continued to be pummelled by the soldiers... who had yet to figure out that bullets would not kill the vampires.  
  
Ronald used his magic to push the director back and advanced to stab him with the breadstick, the but the director somersaulted backwards into the soldiers.  
  
The director caught site of Raziel and Kain... he knew he could not live through this one... better to save his actors so they might give him a better funeral than save himself and pay for other people's funerals.  
  
"You two mooks! Go into that portal!" screamed the director as bullets went around him and he faced Ronald with the breadstick.  
  
"But director! You'll-" said Kain  
  
"Don't worry about me! Just go!" said the Director  
  
"I can't care less about you, its my pay check! You'll forget to give me my paycheck!" shouted Kain  
  
"Just gooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed the director.  
  
The sound threw Raziel back a step, which in turn pushed Kain into the portal... Raziel jumped in to save Kain, but failed to realise that jumping head first into teleporting portals was not a good plan for getting someone else out.  
  
As Raziel dived he caught sight of the battle behind him... the director taking shots and frantically waving his stick around.  
  
"Farewell director... you hath serv-" Raziel was interrupted  
  
"Just go you mook of a mook!" shouted the director.  
  
Raziel decided to stop flying in mid air and go through the portal after a bullet hit him again.  
  
The director decided fighting was for wussies and put his breadstick in the air...  
  
"Lets stop this destructive conflict and bring ORDER back to the gala-" said The director before Ronald shoved his breadstick into his eye.  
  
"NOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo" screamed an unrelated person when they saw Bambi's mother die.  
  
And thus... Soul Reaver... the unedited version was born.  
  
Director RIP 1500-(does someone have a calendar what day is it to- oh only need the year ok thanks) 2003.  
  
For in death... you may no longer pay taxes to a government you do not believe in. 


End file.
